Listen here, you starry-eyed oxygen thieves, I have suffered. I have endured a winter so relentlessly suffocating, so cosmically constipated with Saturnian chores and Neptunian gaslighting that even my dreams came with unpaid overtime. But NOW—oh NOW—we are finally gifted with the universe’s one true mercy: PLUTO HAS GONE RETROGRADE.
I swear to the gods of chaos and caffeine, this is the first time in MONTHS I’ve felt like I could breathe without choking on the universe’s cryptic to-do list. Pluto—the dark overlord of death, transformation, and “surprise, bitch, you’re evolving”—has finally thrown that existential dump truck into reverse. And what does that mean? It means it’s time to f**king plot.
THE PLUTO PARTY BEGINS (WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT)
At a very petty-ass 3°49’ of Aquarius, our beloved psychotic transformation daddy is now rolling backwards through the electric wasteland of dystopian dreams and shitty utopias. Translation: we finally get a break from pretending we’re okay with how things are. This retrograde is your backstage pass to unravel your mistakes, kick over the furniture of your illusions, and prep for your eventual domination once he turns direct in October.
Mark it. Second week of October. That’s when the cosmic hitman wakes up again and expects results. Until then? Go nuts. Burn bridges. Plant weird seeds. Scheme. Disappear for “personal development” while actually binge-watching garbage and plotting revenge. All valid.
4 MAY 2025 – THE DAILY CHART OF WHOOPASS
Now let’s dissect the chaos stew we’ve got today:
Sun in Taurus square the Moon in Leo – OH FANTASTIC, it’s the stubborn narcissist showdown. One side wants comfort, snacks, and a slow wank in a sunbeam. The other wants applause, validation, and an audience for their latest meltdown. Good luck negotiating that inner war, especially when the emotional thermostat is stuck on “dramatic toddler with a grudge.”
Mercury in Aries is sextiling Jupiter in Gemini while trining the Moon – verbal diarrhea is on the menu. You’ll be spouting grand plans with zero follow-through, and feeling real damn confident about it too. Mercury’s also conjunct Chiron, so expect your wounds to scream via group chat. Oversharing is inevitable. Just embrace it and traumatize everyone equally.
Venus in Aries is throwing sexual side-eyes at Mars in Leo and sextiling Pluto. That’s right. Hot girl spring just turned into “seduce, destroy, disappear” mode. Someone’s getting ghosted after the best orgasm of their life. (It’s probably you. Deal with it.)
Mars Opposite Pluto – THIS is the main event. The God of War is beefing with the Lord of the Underworld. Translation: some idiot is gonna test your patience, and you will fantasize about legally-questionable forms of revenge. Channel it into exercise or screaming into a pillow—unless you enjoy courtrooms.
Saturn in Pisces is conjunct Neptune and the North Node, so the dreams you’re chasing still taste like saltwater and depression, but at least they’re your depressing dreams. Saturn says, “Work for it.” Neptune says, “It’s a mirage.” The North Node says, “It’s your destiny.” So basically: you’re doomed and it’s your fault, but also, kind of beautiful? Vomit.
Black Moon Lilith squaring Pluto and Mars – Let the record show that your inner bitch is off the leash. She’s feral. She’s fabulous. And she will burn it all down rather than compromise today. Lilith’s got a flamethrower and a petty grudge. Pray you’re not the target.
THE BOTTOM LINE:
Pluto Retrograde is your cosmic permission slip to say “fk this noise,” hit the red button, and start building the version of your life that actually serves your inner demon overlord.** You’ve been good. Too good. So good it hurt. Now it’s time to go off-script, off-road, and maybe off your meds (consult a doctor, you reckless gremlin).
Plot your revolution. Watch everyone underestimate you. And when October comes, you unleash hell with receipts, revenge plans, and a glow-up that’ll leave your enemies sobbing into their astrology apps.
Welcome to Retrograde Season, baby. Rage wisely.
—Ragey McSwearington, out.