Oh, for crying out loud! Another full moon this Saturday. Just when I thought the universe couldn’t screw us over any more, it pulls this stunt. It’s Thursday morning, 1 AM, and I haven’t written a damn horoscope in 8 months. Now I have to deal with this cosmic mess.

Why haven’t I been enlightening you with my celestial insights? Well, it turns out life decided to send me a metric shit ton of horse manure last November 19th. And of course, there was no polite heads-up. If I’d known, I would’ve at least moved the damn fan so it didn’t spread everywhere. Instead, I’ve been dealing with a constant shitstorm that makes trying to juggle chainsaws while riding a unicycle on a tightrope, wearing only a pink thong, look like a leisurely stroll through a petting zoo with your loved ones.

So, here I am, back from the trenches, not because I wanted a break but because the universe has been screwing with me non-stop. And now, I get to unravel this full moon debacle. Holy fuck, I am so blessed. I’m wearing my huge fucking happy hat right now. I got a great offer on a ten-pack of happy hats from China, probably comes preloaded with COVID-19 and hepatitis C if my luck stays steady. And no, a happy hat ain’t a fucking euphemism for a condom. Man, some days I wish someone would try to assassinate me—it would be my vein of luck to only get a piercing, too. Or at least just let me stay in bed. Well, someone’s lucky, and it ain’t me. What’s new? Oh, not the moon either, that’s right, full moon. You came here for horoscopes, not dating advice.

We’ve got the moon sulking in Capricorn while the sun is whining in Cancer. And what’s that? Retrograde Pluto is lurking nearby in Aquarius like a stalker ex who doesn’t understand boundaries. Wonderful. Just what we need – a full moon with a side of emotional baggage.

The moon is squaring Chiron, and Chiron is squaring the sun. That’s a T-square of cosmic drama, folks. Prepare for all those hidden wounds and unresolved traumas to bubble up to the surface. It’s like the universe is playing a sick joke on you, dragging out all the crap you thought you’d buried. Emotional stability? Forget it. You’re about to be put through the wringer.

Full moon madness is upon us, pulling at the seams of your already tenuous grasp on sanity. The moon in Capricorn wants you to be all responsible and grounded, while the sun in Cancer is whining for emotional comfort and safety. It’s like trying to juggle a rock and a marshmallow—impossible and messy. You’ll be torn between doing what you should and what you feel like doing. Spoiler alert: neither option is going to feel quite right.

Meanwhile, Mars and Uranus are having a close encounter in Taurus. They’re conspiring together, stirring up impulsive and reckless energy. If you feel like doing something stupid this weekend, blame it on them. Just try not to blow up your life completely, okay?

Venus and Mercury are flirting in Leo, playing a teasing game with the sun. This means communication and love are in for a dramatic twist. Misunderstandings will be the flavor of the day, and your love life might just feel like a melodramatic soap opera. Keep your wits about you, or prepare for some epic miscommunications.

So, what’s the takeaway? The universe is out to mess with you. Deal with it. Keep your head down, try not to make any rash decisions, and for the love of all that’s holy, don’t come crying to me when it all goes sideways.

Happy full moon, you unlucky souls. Now get out of my face. I’ve got better things to do than babysit you through this cosmic nightmare.