Listen up, you pathetic sacks of shit! It’s time for a general overview of the week of April 10th to April 16th, 2023, from yours truly, Ragey McSwearington, the most pissed-off astrologer you’ll ever meet. If you thought last week was a goddamn disaster, brace yourselves for this cosmic clusterfuck that’s about to unfold.
Venus, that flirty bitch, squares off with grumpy ol’ Saturn early in the week, making your relationships feel like they’re stuck in a goddamn minefield. Expect tension, irritation, and possibly some relationship drama that’ll make you question why you even bother with other human beings. Good luck navigating that shitshow!
Pluto, that cold-hearted motherfucker, is squaring the North Node like an annoying ex, stirring up some deep-rooted fears and insecurities. You might find yourself reevaluating your life choices or feeling like you’re running in circles, chasing your own tail. Yeah, welcome to the shitstorm!
The Sun and Jupiter are still partying it up in Aries, and Chiron decided to crash the party. You might feel like you’re on top of the world one moment and then faceplant into a pile of your own insecurities the next. It’s like a cosmic game of Russian roulette, and you’re the unlucky bastard playing it.
On Tuesday, Venus slithers her seductive ass into Gemini, making you feel like a social butterfly trapped in a jar. You’ll want to connect with others, but don’t be surprised if your attempts at communication end up as awkward as a giraffe on roller skates.
Midweek, the Moon in Capricorn throws some shade at Mars in Cancer, triggering emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Watch out for arguments over the most mundane shit, like whose turn it is to take out the trash. Oh, and Mars is rubbing elbows with Saturn in Pisces, so expect some passive-aggressive bullshit to spice things up.
Thursday, the Moon decides to join forces with Pluto at 0 degrees Aquarius, basically turning your emotional life into a battlefield. It’s like your emotions are stuck on a rollercoaster going full speed, and there’s no getting off. The North Node is also squaring Pluto and the Moon, so expect some emotional whiplash.
By Friday, Venus is giving Pluto a virtual high-five while the Moon moves on to wreak havoc elsewhere. On Saturday, the Moon cozies up with Saturn in Pisces, only to square off with Venus and stir up more emotional drama. Meanwhile, Chiron and Pluto are duking it out, so expect to face some of your deepest fears and insecurities. It’s like an emotional cage fight, and you’re stuck in the middle.
To sum up this steaming pile of cosmic crap, you’re in for one hell of an emotional rollercoaster this week. Good fucking luck navigating through all the drama, tension, and insecurity. You’re going to need it.
Until next time, fuckers,
Ragey McSwearington