Alright, you bunch of miserable bastards, listen up! I’m here to give you a goddamn horoscope for the week, so pay attention. I don’t have time for your whining, so let’s get this shit show started.

So, we’re starting with the week of April 7th, and let me tell you, this week is going to be like trying to take a shit with a stomach full of cement. It’s gonna be rough, and you’re gonna have to push through it. You might find yourself at odds with some people, maybe even those you thought were on your side. It’s like playing a game of tug-of-war against a team of sumo wrestlers – you’re just not gonna win.

But hey, don’t get all pissy about it. Use that anger and frustration to fuel your fire. Sometimes life takes a big steaming dump on your head, but you gotta learn how to turn that shit into fertilizer and make something grow. Get creative and find new ways to tackle your problems, like a squirrel trying to break into a bird feeder.

Now, let’s fast forward to the week of April 13th. The first thing you’ll notice is that you’re feeling as stubborn as a mule in quicksand. You ain’t moving, and you don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks. While being stubborn can sometimes save your ass, it can also make you look like a complete jackass. So, try to find some balance before you end up alienating everyone around you.

On the bright side, this week’s energy is like finding a crisp $20 bill in your old jeans pocket. It’s a pleasant surprise, and it’s going to make things a little easier for you. So, put that energy to good use and invest in yourself – whether it’s learning something new, getting shit done, or just taking some time for self-care.

But be warned, there’s a bit of a wildcard in play this week. You’re gonna have moments where everything feels like it’s going to hell in a handbasket. It’s like you’re trying to build a house of cards in the middle of a hurricane. So, brace yourself for some unexpected twists and turns, and remember that sometimes the universe just likes to mess with us for shits and giggles.

Alright, that’s enough from me. I’ve had about all I can handle of this astrological nonsense. So, take my advice, or don’t – I don’t give a rat’s ass. Just remember that life is full of ups and downs, and if you don’t learn how to roll with the punches, you’re gonna end up face down in the mud.

Now, go on and have a fucking fantastic week, you glorious trainwrecks!