Alright you miserable bunch of misfits, listen up because it’s time for your half-assed horoscope for today, April 10, 2023. I’ve looked at the goddamn stars and calculated a bunch of astrological crap, so let’s dive into this steaming pile of celestial bullshit.

Today, the Sun and Jupiter are having a little rendezvous in Aries, making you feel like you’re on top of the world. Well, newsflash, you’re not. You’re just a small, insignificant speck in the universe, so get over yourself. Your inflated ego might lead you into making some stupid decisions today, so try not to fuck everything up for once, will you?

Mercury and Uranus are hanging out in Taurus, which might make you think you’ve suddenly become a genius or some shit. Spoiler alert: you haven’t. You’ll still be making dumbass decisions and saying idiotic things, just like always. But hey, maybe you’ll come up with one halfway decent idea today. Don’t hold your breath though.

Now let’s talk about that pain-in-the-ass planet Mars, which is currently lounging around in Cancer. It’s making you all emotional and shit, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself crying over a goddamn YouTube video of a cat playing the piano. Seriously, get a grip. And try not to snap at people today, unless you want to end up on the receiving end of a well-deserved punch in the face.

Venus is sitting pretty in Taurus, making you feel like you’re some kind of love guru. Spoiler alert (again): you’re not. You might find yourself flirting with someone who’s way out of your league, but hey, we all need a good laugh, right? Just don’t be surprised if your pathetic attempts at romance end up being the butt of everyone’s jokes.

Finally, we’ve got Saturn in Pisces, which means you’re about to experience a whole lot of confusion and chaos. You’ll probably end up feeling like a lost puppy, unable to make heads or tails of anything. My advice? Grab a bottle of wine, lock yourself in your room, and ride out the storm. Trust me, nobody wants to deal with your clueless ass right now.

So there you have it, your godawful horoscope for today. Remember, the stars don’t actually give a shit about you, so don’t blame them when your life inevitably turns into a dumpster fire. Good luck out there, you’ll need it.

And try not to fuck things up too badly.