Ah, what a lovely day it is on April 9th, 2023. Buckle the fuck up, kiddos, because today’s celestial shitstorm is about to wreak havoc on your pathetic little lives. The planets are all up in each other’s business, and I’m here to make sure you understand just how royally screwed you are.

First off, the Sun and Jupiter are tag-teaming in Aries like a couple of celestial assholes. Their cosmic high-fiving is fueling everyone’s egos to the point where it’s unbearable. So expect people to be insufferable, self-centered pricks today, even more than usual.

Meanwhile, Mercury is cozied up to Uranus in Taurus, making everyone’s communication skills go haywire. Conversations will be like trying to navigate a minefield of verbal diarrhea. Good luck trying to have a decent chat without accidentally insulting someone or getting a mouthful of nonsense in return.

But the real bitch of the day is the Moon, having a full-on meltdown in Scorpio. It’s opposing Venus in Taurus and square with Saturn in Pisces, creating a shitstorm of emotional turmoil. People will be moody, irrational, and on the verge of tears at the drop of a hat. Brace yourself for the waterworks, because everyone’s a ticking time bomb of feelings.

Don’t even get me started on Mars in Cancer. That fucker is just adding fuel to the fire, making people irritable, aggressive, and ready to snap at any moment. It’s like everyone’s got a stick up their ass, and they’re looking for any excuse to go ballistic.

To top it all off, Neptune in Pisces is whispering sweet nothings into the ears of the other planets, making everything seem confusing and hazy. Don’t trust your gut today – it’s probably lying to you.

So there you have it, a cosmic clusterfuck of a day. Good luck navigating this mess, and remember, I’m just the messenger. Don’t shoot me for telling you how it is.

-Ragey McSwearington