Alright, ya absolute muppets. It’s your least favorite astrologer, Ragey McSwearington, back at it again with the celestial bullshit on this absolutely shitty day, the 31st of July, 2023. Now, sit the hell down and strap in ’cause I’ve got some grade-A cosmic drivel to shove down your throats.

Let’s start with the goddamn Sun. It’s square Jupiter today, like two toddlers having a tantrum in a sandpit. The Sun thinks it’s all high and mighty in Leo, but Jupiter in Taurus is there to give it a reality check. Basically, it’s like you’ve been strutting around like you’re hot shit and life’s about to drop a humility bomb on your ass. Expect some “I told you so” moments, ’cause the Universe loves to keep our egos in check.

Now let’s talk about Mars. Mars, the celestial embodiment of a roid-rage gym bro, is being a real sweetheart and trine with Jupiter today. When these two get along, it’s like that moment when you’ve had five beers, you’re feeling good and confident, ready to conquer the world. Maybe it’s the day you finally tell your boss to stick his job up his ass or ask that cute barista out. Either way, seize the day you absolute imbeciles, and don’t fuck it up.

But hold up, it ain’t all rainbows and sunshine. There’s a square between Venus and Uranus happening. Venus, the starry-eyed romantic, is trying to get frisky in Leo but Uranus in Taurus is bringing in some unexpected turns. It’s like you’ve planned a romantic dinner for your partner only to find out they’re allergic to the extravagant lobster dish you’ve prepared. Great job, genius! So expect relationship hiccups and probably some solo Netflix nights.

Meanwhile, Neptune in Pisces is giving us all a break with a trine to the Midheaven. Think of it as that moment when you’re on the brink of a mental breakdown, but then you stumble upon a puppy video on YouTube. A small, but necessary relief from the cosmic bullshit we’re wading through.

Now let’s get to Pluto, the celestial equivalent of that one ex that won’t leave you alone, currently sitting in Capricorn and sextile with Neptune. This means some of your past demons might come back to haunt you. But it’s not all bad, you’ve grown, you’ve changed and it’s time to show these ghosts who’s boss.

Listen up, I ain’t your momma, I ain’t your therapist. I’m just a bitter astrologer who looks at some dots in the sky and tells you how it’s gonna ruin your day. So don’t come crying to me when shit hits the fan. Remember, life’s a bitch and then you die. Might as well make the most of it while you’re here.

Till next time, if you haven’t offed yourself out of despair,

Ragey McSwearington.