Hey fuckers, it’s your perpetually pissed-off prophet, Ragey McSwearington. I’m not here to spoon-feed you bullshit affirmations, I’m here to read the fucking stars and tell it how it is. Buckle the fuck up, because the celestial skies are a hot fucking mess today, and we’re all in for one hell of a cosmic ride.

Oh, you want me to sugarcoat it? You want me to tell you it’s all going to be okay? Well, tough shit. The Sun’s awkwardly rubbing shoulders with the Moon, making you feel about as comfortable as a porcupine in a balloon factory. It’s a Qunx, and this aspect is as annoying as it sounds. You might feel as if you’re pulling yourself in two fucking different directions. Be ready to juggle your ego and emotions. It’s gonna be a bitch.

And it gets worse. The Sun and Jupiter are having a good old square-off, which is about as fun as a slap fight with a cactus. You’ve got all this potential just bursting at the fucking seams, but somehow, everything is just coming out wrong. It’s like you’ve been handed the keys to a Ferrari, but you’re stuck in a fucking traffic jam. Frustration city, here we come.

But wait! There’s a glimmer of hope. Mercury and Venus are having a sweet little tete-a-tete. It’s like they’re in a cozy little cafe, sharing secrets and giggling like schoolgirls. Use this energy. Communicate. Open up. Even when everything’s going to hell, remember to use your words.

Ah, but then there’s Saturn. Saturn, you old curmudgeon. Always the party pooper. When Mercury and Saturn are at odds, it’s like trying to have a conversation with a brick wall. You want to move forward, to break free, to fucking do something. But Saturn is there, just shaking his damn head, reminding you of all your responsibilities. It’s a fucking roadblock, and it sucks. But sometimes, you’ve got to do the hard shit before you can have fun.

Venus is throwing a tantrum too, squaring off with Uranus. Relationships are as volatile as a vat of nitroglycerin. One wrong move and everything could blow up. But remember, sometimes a good explosion clears the way for new beginnings.

Mars and Jupiter are playing nice, though. It’s like a motivational speaker and a personal trainer had a love child. You’re raring to go, full of enthusiasm and energy. Just make sure you’re not running in circles.

Oh, and Pluto. Fucking Pluto, the god of the underworld himself. He’s got his grimy hands all over Venus and the Midheaven. It’s transformation time, but not the pretty, caterpillar-to-butterfly kind. More like the ripping-your-heart-out-and-rebuilding-it kind. Pluto doesn’t play nice. He’s here to break down structures, to upend your life. But remember, destruction is necessary for reconstruction.

Bottom line: Today’s astrological forecast is a mixed bag of good, bad, and ugly. You’re going to face challenges, heartaches, and maybe a few screaming matches. But don’t be a fucking quitter. You’re tougher than you think. So strap in, brace yourself, and remember: even in the shittiest of days, there’s always a fucking silver lining.

Remember, the stars impel, they do not compel. Your future is yours to fucking shape. So stop blaming the stars and start taking some fucking responsibility for your life. Ragey McSwearington, signing off. Go forth and conquer, you beautiful bastards.