Alright, ya bunch of cosmic grease monkeys, it’s Ragey McSwearington here, and the astrology for this infernal 28th of July, 2023, is about as subtle as a lead pipe to the face.

I ain’t gonna sweeten the cosmic sour grape. It’s pretty clear the universe has lost its damn marbles, throwing us a twisted cosmic dance that’d make a yoga master weep. So buckle up, buttercups. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

Now, to kick things off, we got the Sun and Moon trying to give each other a celestial high-five. Normally, that’d be all sunshine and roses, right? Wrong! Because our dear ol’ Moon decided it’s time to go square dancing with Mars and Saturn, and it’s about as harmonious as a cat in a bagpipes convention. So, expect emotions to be as stable as a three-legged chair, with frustration and impatience snarling at your heels like rabid dogs.

Meanwhile, the Sun’s having its own duel with Saturn, a face-off more tense than a vegan at a barbecue. You’re gonna find your ego and discipline are about as compatible as a hippo in a tutu. So, good luck keeping your cool while the universe plays its sick cosmic game of tug-of-war.

And as if that wasn’t enough, we’ve got Mercury and Venus getting all cuddly, but it’s not all champagne and roses. They’re throwing barbed glances at Saturn and Pluto, making communication about as fun as swallowing sandpaper. You’ll be hard-pressed to make your point without stepping on a dozen toes, so brace yourself for the inevitable awkwardness.

The planet of war, Mars, is getting all chummy with Jupiter, pumping up your drive and ambition until you’re ready to explode like a firecracker in a tin can. But beware, as Mars is also having a scrap with Saturn, making your actions feel like you’re trying to run in quicksand.

On the flip side, we got Uranus, the oddball of the solar system, squaring off with Venus, throwing relationships into a tizzy. Expect the unexpected, and not in the fun, surprise-party way, more like finding a snake in your underwear drawer kind of way.

There’s more in this cosmic potluck, but I won’t bore you with the details. It’s a wild ride, folks. Strap in, hold on tight, and keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times. And remember, if you puke, you’re cleaning it up. Ragey McSwearington, signing off.