Alright, listen up you insufferable pack of cosmic misfits. The heavens are screaming bloody murder today and you’re all too damned busy with your “likes” and “shares” to pay any goddamn attention. So here I am, Ragey McSwearington, pissed off as always and armed with the astrological equivalent of a pair of brass knuckles. You wanted the truth, well sit down, shut up, and brace yourself because this shit is going to sting.

Let’s kick off this heavenly shitshow with the Sun and Saturn up to their old tricks. The big shiny bastard up in the sky is squaring off with the cosmic killjoy in a celestial face-off that’ll make your life as pleasant as a root canal. Picture being on a never-ending conference call while your boss blasts you with tedious PowerPoint presentations. That’s the kind of day you’re in for, folks. Buckle up, buttercup.

Oh, and that’s not all. Mars and Saturn are having a stare-down too. Mars, that red hot ball of aggression, is ready to start a fight in an empty room. Now picture that hostility being met with Saturn’s stick-up-the-ass discipline. It’s like a drunk cage fighter trying to argue with a goddamn judge. Expect conflict, frustration, and an overwhelming urge to punch a wall.

But wait, there’s more! Pluto’s got its grimy little hands in everyone’s business, throwing shade at the Sun and squaring off against the Moon’s Node like a jealous ex. If the drama at your workplace or home wasn’t enough, now you’ve got the cosmic equivalent of a Reality TV show to contend with.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. Even in the cosmic clusterfuck that is today’s chart, there are glimmers of something that might not totally suck. Mercury and Venus are all cozy together, like a couple of lovebirds whispering sweet nothings. Use this to your advantage. Charm the pants off of someone. Flirt a little. Just keep it in your pants, Casanova; nobody needs to see that.

Jupiter and Mars are also throwing a little positive energy into this tempest of turmoil. Think of it as finding a pristine, untouched donut in the break room amidst the carnage of a staff meeting. There’s strength in this alignment. Use it to power through the bullshit of the day.

Alright, I’m done with you lot. Take this knowledge, go out there and show the world that you’re not to be trifucked with. Ragey McSwearington, signing the fuck off.