Alright, you celestial turds, brace yourselves. It’s your not-so-friendly, venom-spitting astrologer Ragey McSwearington, and I’m back to ruin your day with some star-dusted truths. It’s July 22nd, 2023, and I’m not holding anything back. Ready? No? Good.

The Sun is squaring off with the North Node and opposing Pluto, which means some of you are going to have a real shitty day. Think of it like a pissing contest with fate. You’re a little piss-ant thinking you can outrun destiny, but guess what? Destiny’s got a fire hose and isn’t afraid to use it. Have fun getting soaked.

Next up, Venus is a real drama queen today. She’s conjuncting with Mercury, trining with the North Node, and opposing Saturn. It’s like a bloody soap opera up there. What does it mean for you? You’ll be spreading charm like manure on a cornfield, trying to butter everyone up, but Saturn’s having none of it. Expect communication breakdowns worse than a Nokia in 2023.

Meanwhile, Mars is high-fiving Jupiter, which might sound good, but he’s also locked in a grudge match with Saturn. So while you’re feeling as daring as a squirrel on crack, remember that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. There’s a storm brewing, and it’s going to knock you on your ass if you’re not careful.

And don’t even get me started on Uranus. The celestial rebel is tripping on harmony with the Moon and Pluto while squaring off with Mercury. It’s like a massive rave up there – one moment you’re surfing the wave, the next, you’re face down in cosmic vomit. Expect a day of roller-coaster emotions, kind of like being drunk on a merry-go-round. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

As for Jupiter and Neptune, they’re acting like passive-aggressive roommates, taking subtle digs at each other. There’s a minor stressful aspect between them, sort of like when your housemate drinks the last beer and puts the empty box back in the fridge. If things seem too good to be true today, they probably are.

To top it all off, Chiron is in a tiff with the Ascendant. That’s like having a wound ripped open while the universe pours lemon juice in it. It’s not fun, and there’s a lesson to be learned, but you’ll probably just curse a lot instead.

So there you have it, another delightful day in paradise, guided by the cosmic chaos that just loves to mess with your plans. Buckle up, buttercups. You’re in for one hell of a ride. This is Ragey McSwearington signing off, with a giant middle finger salute to the cosmos.