What the fuck is up, all you celestial enthusiasts? It’s Ragey McSwearington here, fuming at the helm of your horoscope this bloody July 18, 2023. So strap in, and prepare for some astrological bullshit to come your way.

So, our charming little bitch of a moon thinks she’s the belle of the ball today, snuggling up to the sun like they’re at some cosmic high school prom. Yeah, it’s the fucking New Moon phase, which might sound cute and whimsical, but in reality, it’s about as exciting as watching paint dry. Don’t go making any grand plans or commitments now, ’cause chances are they’ll fizzle out faster than a firecracker in a downpour.

Speaking of which, Sun and Neptune are playing footsie today, which means some of you are probably feeling as if you’re floating on cloud nine. Yeah, you might be feeling dreamy, but remember, in the real world, you’re more likely stepping in dog shit rather than stardust. Stay grounded, will you?

Now onto Mercury. This silver-tongued devil has decided to square off with Jupiter, stirring up a storm of bullshit. Don’t believe everything you hear today. Especially if it’s coming from a smooth-talking motherfucker who has a knack for selling sand to Arabs.

Venus is in cahoots with Mars, and if that isn’t a hot and heavy romance novel waiting to happen, I don’t know what is. Just remember, even the most passionate of affairs can leave you with nothing but a mountain of dirty laundry and a sense of regret. And Venus’s little tiff with Neptune and Pluto? A warning that not everything that glitters is gold. So put on your skeptical spectacles before jumping headfirst into anything today.

And then there’s the troublemaker Mars. This red-faced ruffian is getting into a tussle with Saturn, and let’s just say it’s not the kind of dust-up you’d want to get involved in. Stick to your guns, and don’t let some old stick in the mud dampen your fire.

Let’s not forget about Jupiter, trying to slip a quick one past the Ascendant. You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells today, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Stay on your toes, and maybe you won’t trip over your own feet.

All this fucking planetary melodrama is just a reminder that life’s a bitch, and then you die. So go out there and make the most of this bloody day, and try not to let the cosmic crap get you down.

So, there you have it. An astrologically sound slap in the face, courtesy of your favorite cantankerous astrologer, Ragey McSwearington. Until next time, stay skeptical, my friends.