Well, shit fire and save matches, let’s get this show on the goddamn road. Listen up, stargazers and cosmic hopefuls, it’s Ragey McSwearington, your favorite fireball-spewing astrologer, ready to throw down some hard-hitting astrological realness for this bloody glorious day of 17th July, 2023.

Now, let’s get one thing straight, the cosmic weather today is a clusterfuck of emotional turbulence and celestial power plays. It’s as if the universe decided to put on a goddamn WWE match and we’re all stuck in the front row without safety glasses.

First off, the Moon and Sun are playing footsie, all buddy-buddy with their conjunction aspect. Typically, this would be all sunshine and daisies, internal alignment, yadda yadda, but oh no, they had to go and square up against Chiron. Just when you thought you had your emotional shit together, Chiron bursts in like a drunken ex at your wedding reception and just ruins the goddamn cake. Expect to rehash some old emotional wounds that you thought were nicely tucked away, but are now suddenly blasted open. Yeah, thanks a fucking lot, Chiron.

Mercury, our chatterbox planet, is in a tense standoff with Jupiter, the overblown gas giant. You’re likely to blurt out what you really think today, and probably piss off a few people in the process. You’ve been warned. Keep that trap shut, or at least be ready for the fallout.

Speaking of fallout, Mars and Saturn are at it again, with an opposition aspect making them as friendly as a couple of feral cats fighting over the last fish head. Conflict and tension are the names of the game, so don’t be surprised if you’re caught in the crossfire. Don’t say I didn’t fucking warn you.

Now, if you’re looking for a bit of good news (because let’s be honest, we all fucking need it), Uranus and Neptune have got your back. These outer planets are making a lovely trine, ushering in a brief moment of clarity and enlightenment, kind of like that warm fuzzy feeling you get right before you pass out from too much tequila.

If you’re into BDSM, you’ll love what Pluto is doing today. It’s squaring up against the lunar nodes, which is astro-speak for “get ready for some tough love, baby”. Expect to face some deep-rooted fears and anxieties that’ll feel like a slap in the face. But remember, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or at least that’s what those self-help books keep droning on about.

So, that’s the bloody battlefield for today, folks. It’s a goddamn cosmic minefield out there, so tread carefully, keep your head down, and for fuck’s sake, stay out of the line of fire.

This has been Ragey McSwearington, your not-so-gentle guide through the celestial shitstorm. Stay safe out there, and remember, sometimes the stars are just celestial bodies in space, and life’s a bitch regardless.