Alright, you star-crossed degenerates, it’s Ragey McSwearington here, back with another steaming pile of celestial wisdom. Brace yourselves, because the cosmos has been spinning its cosmic roulette wheel, and it’s not messing around this 14th of July, 2023. So, if you’re not interested in a bit of adult-rated galactic insight, I suggest you buckle up or bugger off.

First off, the Moon and Pluto are having a bit of a spat. You might feel like you’ve stubbed your emotional toe on the coffee table of life. Agitation and irritation are in the air, so if your boss looks at you sideways or your partner forgets to replace the toilet roll again, you might be ready to tear their head off. Just remember, this is only temporary, it’s not their fault you’re as wound up as a two-dollar watch.

Meanwhile, the Sun’s cuddling up with Uranus and Neptune. It’s got you thinking you’re some kind of enlightened Buddha, full of wisdom and ready to spew out advice to anyone within earshot. Go ahead, spread your gospel of bullshit, but don’t be surprised if people start avoiding you at the water cooler.

Mercury and Jupiter are locked in a squared dance, trying to one-up each other. Expect your communication and your optimism to be at odds. One moment you’re shooting rainbows from your mouth, and the next, you’re spewing verbal diarrhea. Try to maintain some balance, unless you want to look like a jackass.

And let’s not forget about Venus and Mars cozying up together. This combination is as volatile as a greased pig in a china shop. Expect your passions and desires to flare up, possibly in inconvenient or inappropriate places. Let’s just say, you might find yourself attracted to that least likely person, like your nosy neighbor or your annoying coworker. Try to keep your pants on, at least in public.

Now, our old pal Saturn’s in reverse gear, kicking up a fuss with Sun and Mars. It’s like a grumpy old man telling off the neighborhood kids. Expect some resistance, some delays, and plenty of frustration. You might feel like everything is against you, but don’t throw a tantrum. Patience, grasshopper.

And what about Pluto, still going backwards, making a fuss with the Sun and Venus? It’s like your personal transformation hit a speed bump and now you’re face-first in existential crisis. It might feel like your whole life’s in retrograde. Keep your shit together, this too shall pass.

In the end, remember, it’s just one day. The stars will realign, the planets will keep spinning, and you’ll still be standing. So, grab a bottle of your favorite poison, raise a middle finger to the cosmos, and carry on. Tomorrow’s another day, with a fresh batch of celestial crap.