Alright you celestial bastards, it’s Ragey McSwearington here, coming at you with the gritty, uncensored truth. Grab your helmets because the cosmic shitstorm for the 13th of July 2023 is about to explode right into your life. Forget about your “positive affirmations” and your “vision boards”, this isn’t going to be a walk in the park, you’ve been warned.

Sun’s in Cancer like a paranoid hermit crab, hiding away, but you’re not escaping this, no fucking way. Sun’s playing nice with Uranus in Taurus, making you think you’re some innovative genius. Guess what, pal, you’re not Elon Musk. Cool your jets. The universe is not your goddamn plaything.

Mercury is in Leo, meaning everyone’s thinking they’re the lion king, belting out their thoughts like the world’s their fucking Broadway. But the Square with the Moon in Gemini is making communication about as clear as mud. Don’t trust what anyone says, especially if it’s over a beer. They’re likely just talking out of their asses.

Then we got Venus in Leo squaring off with Uranus in Taurus. Translation: love and money are about to do a dance more awkward than your drunk uncle at a wedding. Sparks may fly, but they’re as likely to start a house fire as they are to ignite any passion. Be careful with your investments, lest you end up like the Titanic – sinking fast with a band playing in the background.

Mars is also in Leo, and everyone’s getting riled up and feisty. Just what we need, more egos inflating like hot air balloons. Cool it, champ, before someone brings a pin to your parade.

Jupiter in Taurus is moving at a snail’s pace. You want growth and expansion? Well, the universe says you can have it…eventually. Maybe. It’s busy checking its stocks and doesn’t have time for your needy shit.

Saturn in Pisces? Great, just when we need more moody brooding. It’s like a goddamn Morrissey concert in the cosmos. If you find yourself writing bad poetry, do us all a favor and just keep it to yourself, eh?

Pluto in Capricorn retrograde is unearthing all kinds of unpleasant secrets. Think of it as a cosmic WikiLeaks, only you’re the one being exposed. The skeletons in your closet are starting to tap dance, so you’d better get ready for the show.

Lastly, Neptune in Pisces retrograde is adding a thick layer of confusion and delusion. It’s like everyone’s been handed a joint and told to solve quantum physics. Everything’s a bit hazy, and no one knows what the fuck is going on.

Alright, so there’s your honest-to-god, no bullshit guide to the stars. Good luck, and may the cosmos have mercy on your soul.

Ragey McSwearington, signing off.