Ragey McSwearington here, your favorite foul-mouthed astrologer, ready to give you the no-bullshit lowdown on the cosmos. This angry rant…uh, I mean, carefully considered horoscope is for 11th of July 2023, a date that promises to be as chaotic as a seagull in a chip shop.

Firstly, the moon, Jupiter, and Mars are doing a celestial dance that could turn a monk into a raging bull. Expect to feel a wave of ambition, a thirst for success, but it ain’t going to be no walk in the park. You might feel like you’re wrestling a bear while trying to balance plates on your head. It’s like life’s hitting you with a fucking frying pan and then asking why you’re not smiling.

And the Sun, that massive ball of gas that thinks it’s the center of the fucking universe, is forming some seriously twisted connections with Saturn and Uranus. It’s like the drama queen of your friend group deciding to pick a fight with the biggest bouncers in the bar – it’s going to kick up a fuss and cause you stress, but it won’t end the world. It’s just going to leave you with a banging headache and possibly a newfound appreciation for peace and quiet.

Mercury, that flighty little shit, is stirring the pot too. It’s like the gossipy coworker who lives for drama. It’s opposing Pluto which is as fun as a bag of snakes in your bed. Expect tension, arguments, and miscommunications that would put a Shakespearean comedy to shame.

Mars and Venus are in a face-off which is going to stir up your love life like a blender. You’ll be all sweet one moment, ready to kill the next. Like a soap opera where the actors forgot their lines and just started making shit up. Be prepared for romantic turbulence, moments of passion followed by arguments about who forgot to buy the milk.

Now, don’t get me started on fucking Saturn, that stern schoolmaster of the cosmos, making a mess with Neptune and the Midheaven. It’s like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube while riding a unicycle, on a tightrope. It’s complicated, it’s stressful, and it’s probably going to make you question every life choice you’ve ever made.

And Neptune? That dreamy, deceptive bastard is having a go with Mercury and Pluto. If you thought reality was a bit wonky before, wait till Neptune’s done with it. You’ll be seeing things through funhouse mirrors – just remember not everything that glitters is gold, and sometimes, it’s just a pile of shit covered in glitter.

Finally, the Nodal Axis (which I swear sounds like some sort of Sci-Fi weapon) is fucking around with Venus and Mars. This might pull you in different directions like a kid with two ice cream cones and one tongue. It’s a push-pull between love and aggression, desire and frustration. It’s like dating a hot person who can’t stop talking about their collection of belly button lint.

Now, remember, this is all a cosmic soup of shit we’re dealing with. There are good moments, bad moments, and “why the fuck am I not still in bed” moments. But it’s life, folks. So buckle up, put on your big kid pants and face the day with the grace of a drunk flamingo on roller skates.

Yours angrily