Listen up, you fucking lot. I know you’re here for your dose of celestial wisdom, so brace your damn selves for what the stars have to say on this godforsaken day, the 9th of bloody July, 2023.

Right now, the Sun’s getting all cozy in Cancer. That’s right, it’s smack-dab in the middle of your deepest emotional shit-storms, prodding and poking at the crap you’d rather keep under wraps. But the universe doesn’t give two shits about your comfort zone. Expect to feel like a crab without its shell – vulnerable, exposed, and ready to snap at any passing inconvenience.

Meanwhile, Mercury’s hanging out in Cancer too, making you blabber your deepest secrets like a diarrhea-ridden parrot. Try not to ruin too many relationships while you’re at it.

And let’s not forget Venus and Mars, having their little rendezvous in Leo. Think of it as the cosmic equivalent of a whiskey-fueled one-night stand. You’re bound to do some wild shit you’ll regret later, like blowing half your paycheck on useless crap or declaring your undying love for that bartender you just met.

Jupiter’s lurking in Taurus, acting like a goddamn hippie on weed, preaching about stability and growth. Good luck with that when you’re dealing with the celestial mess I’ve just described.

But wait, there’s more. Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto are playing their own twisted game of tug-of-war, chucking unpredictability, illusion, and transformation into the mix. It’s like trying to navigate a minefield blindfolded. Every step could be your last, so tread fucking carefully, will you?

Saturn’s in Pisces, sowing seeds of doubt and fear. It’s like that nagging voice in your head, always whispering that you’re not good enough, that you’re bound to fuck up. Ignore the bastard. He’s just jealous of your celestial fuckery.

On the other hand, the Moon’s squaring the MC, throwing a tantrum in Aries. You’re going to feel restless, agitated, ready to headbutt anything that comes your way. And trust me, there’s going to be plenty.

So, to sum up the cosmic clusterfuck of this day – expect emotional turmoil, reckless decisions, nagging doubts, and a shitload of restlessness. But hey, at least you’re alive to witness this celestial circus.

Remember, life is a mess, and so are the stars. So pull up your big-boy pants and dive head-first into the chaos. After all, it’s the only way to make sense of this cosmic shit-show we call life.

This is Ragey McSwearington, signing off. Over and fucking out.