Hey, you raging bunch of stargazing misfits, this is Ragey McSwearington here, spewing some astronomically accurate bullshit for your pleasure this day, July 7th, 2023. Brace yourselves.

Alright, listen up, ya cluster of celestial crybabies. This goddamn day is like a universal piss-take. The bloody Sun and Moon are all cozy-cozy in a goddamn trine, acting like an old married couple sharing a loveseat and smiling at each other. It’s sickeningly sweet, isn’t it? This day is gonna ooze sappiness, so if you’re a hard-ass, better pack a barf bag.

But don’t you start thinking it’s all unicorns farting rainbows. Mercury and Uranus are sextiling, which means everyone’s gonna be sprouting big ideas like they’re some sort of bloody Einstein. Expect your social media feeds to be clogged with ‘inspirational’ bullshit quotes and armchair philosophers preaching from their ivory towers.

Now onto the stars’ red-headed stepchildren, Venus and Mars. They’re cuddled up in Leo, giving a whole new meaning to the term “lion’s den.” It’s like the cosmic equivalent of a high school fling — all show, little substance. They’re off in the corner, necking and oblivious to the world. So expect relationship drama to hit peak levels, probably involving unnecessary grand gestures or public confessions. Sounds fun, huh?

Jupiter’s hanging out in Taurus, being as stubborn as a mule with a thorn in its ass. This gassy giant’s all about expansion and growth, but with this placement, expect your plans to move at the pace of a geriatric snail. That project you’re working on? It’s gonna be a slog, a real balls-to-the-wall grind.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on Saturn. The old bastard’s hanging out in Pisces, and it’s in bloody retrograde. Remember your ex? The one you hoped was abducted by aliens? Expect a callback. Saturn’s all about the past, and it doesn’t give a rat’s ass if it’s a past you wanted to forget. It’s like that drunken uncle at family gatherings who never shuts up about ‘the good old days.’

Neptune, that elusive bastard, is doing its hazy thing in Pisces too, making everyone feel like they’re wading through a fog of confusion. Expect a lot of ‘uh, what?’ moments. And Pluto? In Capricorn, retrograde? Talk about a cosmic kick in the nuts. It’s like that creepy dude at the party who won’t stop staring at you from across the room. Just a whole lot of intense, uncomfortable energy.

So, there you have it, folks. Your shitty cosmic weather for the day. Remember, the stars can’t dictate your life, but they sure as hell can make it more interesting. Buckle up, space cadets, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

This is Ragey McSwearington, signing off. Now go forth and kick some astral ass.