Okay, you motherfuckers. Listen up. Ragey McSwearington here, bringing you your goddamned horoscope for July 5th, 2023. I’ve been eyeballing the astrological data, weighing the aspects, and spinning the fucking cosmic wheel to bring you this monumental piece of shit.

The sun’s in Cancer, like it gives a fuck. It’s doing its thing, hanging out, being all emotional and shit. Typical Cancer behavior. But wait, Mercury’s also in Cancer? That’s gonna make communication a bitch. Expect everything to be taken way too personally, like your boss crying because you didn’t CC him in your latest email.

Then we got the fucking moon over in Aquarius, that rebellious ass. Making you question everything, stirring shit up. You’re gonna feel a need to break some rules, which might just land you in the office of that weepy boss we just talked about.

Now, over in Leo, we got Venus and Mars having a little party. Get ready to feel passionate, aggressive and just a tad overdramatic. Like you’re on the fucking Bachelor. But hey, maybe that’s your thing, you drama-loving prick.

Then we have that cocky Jupiter in Taurus, making you all over-confident. You’ll feel like a billionaire even if you’re just another broke ass living paycheck to paycheck. Just remember, that new iPhone won’t pay for itself.

And don’t even get me started on Saturn. That old bastard is in Pisces, making you rethink your life choices. You might start questioning if you should have taken that gap year in Bali or gone to fucking law school like your mom wanted.

Uranus in Taurus is causing a lot of unrest, making you feel like you need to shake things up. And Neptune in Pisces? That’s gonna make you feel a bit more spiritual, a bit more in tune with the fucking universe or some shit. And Pluto, that edgy little fucker, is in Capricorn, making power struggles a big thing for the day.

I see some angles and aspects here that indicate you might feel drawn towards doing some unconventional shit, but try not to get arrested or fired, alright? The universe might be a random clusterfuck of stars and planets, but your boss still won’t appreciate you mooning the entire office.

So there you have it, your goddamn horoscope. Go forth and fuck shit up, I guess. Remember, it’s all a load of bollocks anyway, so take it with a grain of salt. This has been Ragey McSwearington, your foul-mouthed guide through the fucking cosmos. Now get out of my sight, you twats.