Welcome, star-gazing shitheads, to this steaming hot plate of celestial wisdom, served up fresh for the 3rd of July, 2023 by your ever-loving and eternally pissed-off astrologer, Ragey McSwearington. Buckle up, you cosmic miscreants. It’s gonna be a bumpy fucking ride.

Our motherfucking Moon is doing the cha-cha with Jupiter, trying to lighten up the mood, but opposing the Sun and Mercury in the process. Expect some internal conflicts, like wanting to sit on your ass watching Netflix while your conscience screams at you to clean that pigsty you call an apartment.

Now, our little friend Mars is rubbing elbows with Venus, making things hot and spicy in the romance department. But Mars and Uranus are at odds, and it’s like trying to grill steaks with a fucking fire extinguisher. Your love life’s on fire, but there might be some unexpected shit to put out. Prepare for a love roller-coaster. Fun, thrilling, but you might also puke a bit.

Jupiter is having a bit of a soiree with Venus and Mars, promising an abundance of…something. Could be love, could be doughnuts, hell if I know. Just remember, excess of anything can give you a cosmic hangover.

Speaking of hangovers, Saturn, that stern taskmaster, is harmoniously aligned with the Sun. So if you find yourself suddenly inspired to sort out your finances or clean out your garage, thank (or curse) Saturn for that shit. Meanwhile, it’s squabbling with Chiron, so you might find your past wounds are suddenly itching. Rub some metaphorical ointment on that.

Over to Uranus, the cosmic wild child, it’s clashing with Venus and Mars. See those sparks flying? That’s unpredictability entering your relationships. Maybe you’ll find yourself attracted to the goth barista at your local coffee joint. Or perhaps you’ll decide to become a vegan. Who the hell knows with Uranus?

Now, onto Neptune, it’s playing footsie with Pluto, hinting at profound spiritual insights. Or it could mean you’ll start seeing unicorns dancing on your lawn. Either way, don’t ignore those dreams and gut feelings.

Pluto, that tiny powerhouse, is at odds with the North Node, suggesting a tension between your desire for transformation and your path forward. You’re at a cosmic crossroads, and the signs are as clear as mud. Just don’t stand still, for god’s sake, that’s the worst thing you can do.

Last, but not least, Chiron is in a tug-of-war with Mercury. Expect communication mishaps, or you might just start sounding like me, spouting vulgar wisdom to anyone who’ll listen.

In conclusion, this day is like a cosmic cocktail. Some parts sweet, some parts bitter, and spiked with plenty of unpredictability. Remember, you’re not a fucking puppet to the stars, use their influence to your advantage. Be bold, be brave, be you, and tell the universe to bring it the fuck on!

Ragey McSwearington, signing off. Good fucking luck out there.