Alright, you miscreants, it’s the bloody 1st of July, 2023. I’ve sifted through all the astrological gibberish to give you the gut-punch of truth you so richly deserve.

First off, let’s get this straight. The sun and Mercury are hanging out together like two bloody drunks at the end of the bar. Now, they’re having a great time, but don’t let that fool you into thinking you’re invincible. Just because you’ve got a bit of a glow about you doesn’t mean you’re not going to make a complete tit of yourself. So yeah, use that extra spark of energy, but don’t go overboard.

And then there’s the smug bastard Saturn, squaring off with the moon. That’s right, you’ve got that nagging feeling like you’ve forgotten to turn off the oven or left your keys in the car. Anxious? Worried? Of course, you are, Saturn’s a right prick. But that tension? Use it. It’s making you alert, ready to pounce. Just don’t let it turn into paranoia.

Look at Venus and Mars, those old lovebirds, snuggling up and creating a level of desire that would make even a celibate monk blush. But, they’re also squaring Uranus like a pair of rebellious teenagers. So, you’re horny and restless. Brilliant. Don’t make any dumb, impulsive decisions you’ll regret later. Nobody wants to wake up in a strange place with a llama and a tutu. Trust me.

Then we’ve got Jupiter and Saturn throwing around good vibes. Big deal, even a broken clock is right twice a day. These big shots might make you feel lucky, optimistic even, but don’t forget that both of them have an uncanny knack for teaching hard lessons. Celebrate your wins, sure, but remember: pride comes before a fall.

Now, Neptune and Pluto are playing nice, but they’re giving you the side-eye. Those sneaky bastards are all about illusion and transformation. One minute you think you’re the dog’s bollocks, the next you’re questioning your entire existence. Hold on tight, it’s going to be a rough ride.

As for Chiron, it’s laying the good vibes on thick with Venus and Mars. Yes, it might seem like everything’s coming up roses, but don’t forget who’s telling you this. It’s a bloody asteroid that thinks it’s a planet. Take it with a pinch of salt.

Now let’s address that pesky North Node squaring Pluto. It’s like having a personal trainer screaming in your ear while you’re trying to enjoy a pizza. There’s potential growth and transformation, sure, but at what cost? Nobody likes a nosey parker telling them what to do.

Bottom line, folks: this astrological weather is more unpredictable than a cat on a hot tin roof. Use the energy, don’t be used by it. And for the love of all that’s holy, try not to make too much of a mess. You’ll be the one who has to clean it up. This has been your horoscope from the ever-lovable Ragey McSwearington. Now get outta here. I’ve got important astrologer