Ragey McSwearington here, dear star-gazers, channeling the cosmic energy for this goddamn rollercoaster of a day on the 29th of June, 2023. Strap in, fuckers. This ain’t gonna be your mother’s horoscope.

Alright, first off, the Moon and the Sun are playin’ nice in the sky, trippin’ off each other like a pair of drunken college kids in love. A harmonious fucking balance between your inner shitshow and your outer show-off. But the Moon’s also picking fights with Venus and Jupiter, which means your emotional life is as stable as a Jenga tower during an earthquake. Expect sudden mood swings that’d make a soap opera character look sane.

Now, Venus and Mars are doing the horizontal tango up there, so expect some sizzling moments in your love life. But with that square-off with Uranus, your romantic encounters might get as unpredictable as a cat on meth. One minute, it’s purring. The next, it’s clawing the shit out of your new leather couch. In other words, prepare for romantic turbulence that would make a romance novelist piss their pants.

Speaking of Uranus, this chaotic bastard’s just stirring the pot today. It’s opposing the Moon and squaring Venus and Mars, like a rowdy drunkard at a bar causing a scene. So, expect some unexpected, annoying disruptions today – technology going haywire, traffic jams from hell, or your usually placid pet parrot deciding to mimic your obnoxious neighbor’s irritating laugh.

On the upside, Sun’s got a tight alliance with Saturn today, a real bro moment between these two. This solid bond might bring some much-needed structure to this chaotic day, like a goddamn lighthouse in a sea of cosmic crap. Jupiter’s also feeling friendly with the Sun and Saturn, adding a sprinkle of good fortune to this fucking soup of a day.

Now, Neptune and Pluto are having a bit of a moment. A bit like two emo kids sharing a melancholic playlist. Expect deep introspective journeys into the caverns of your psyche, where you might stumble upon shit you didn’t even know was there. It’s about time you cleaned up that mental mess, don’t you think?

To wrap this shit up, Chiron – the wounded healer – is cozying up to Venus and Mars, making it a good day to confront those old wounds you’ve been ignoring, you know the ones I mean. The embarrassing memory of falling off the stage during your middle school play, the rejection letter from that dream job, your failed attempts at learning the guitar. It’s time to take that pain and turn it into fucking power.

That’s all for today, folks. Remember, this is just the cosmic weather forecast. You’re still the captain of your own ship. Or the driver of your own shitshow. Depends on the day. And today is one hell of a day. Godspeed, you magnificent bastards. This is Ragey McSwearington, signing off.