Alright, you bunch of celestial cock-ups! Brace yourselves. This is Ragey McSwearington, and I’ve got some cosmic bullshit for you to stew on for June 28, 2023.

What the fuck is going on up there? We’ve got a chart that screams all sorts of fucked up. It’s like a kindergarten class high on pixy sticks. They’re throwing glitter everywhere, getting it in their eyes and crying about it. Welcome to your goddamn life.

The Sun and Mercury are hanging out together in Cancer. There they are, having a little tea party with the Moon in Scorpio. Now that’s a goddamn conspiracy if I’ve ever seen one. It’s like the bosses of your life deciding to fuck around at the pub and you’re not invited. Expect office politics to resemble Game of Thrones, except with less dragons and more staplers.

Speaking of that grimy little planet Mercury, it’s playing footsie with Saturn. Saturn’s here, being a boring old fucker in Pisces, and along comes Mercury trying to liven things up. So now we have the cosmic equivalent of your grandpa at a rave. Mercury’s gonna try to get Saturn to drop some sick beats, but all you’re getting is off-tune humming of 70’s classics. Your ambitions are high but life’s gonna smack you with a reality check.

Now Venus and Mars are having a tête-à-tête in Leo, which sounds hot, but really it’s just a squabble over who’s more fabulous. Is it Venus, the planet of love, beauty, and ‘let’s talk about our feelings’, or Mars, the god of war, testosterone, and ‘I can open this jar of pickles myself’? You’re gonna have one hand reaching for a silk robe and the other for boxing gloves. This clash of energies may feel like you’re on a bloody see-saw.

And let’s not forget Jupiter in Taurus opposing the Moon. Jupiter, that fat, gaseous giant, puffing up your emotions and making you sensitive as a baby’s bottom. You’ll have feelings coming out of your arse and won’t know what to do with them. So, you might want to stock up on tissues or punch bags, whatever works for you.

Uranus in Taurus is squaring off with Venus and Mars in Leo, a classic battle of stubborn bull versus roaring lion. Tensions will be high and no one’s budging. If you find yourself in a stalemate situation, do what any sensible person would do: flip a table and storm out.

Now, you’re wondering why everything is so fucking messy. You can blame the pesky Pluto in Capricorn. He’s back there, stirring the pot and chuckling to himself. Shit-stirring Pluto is making a hard angle with the Moon, creating an emotional rollercoaster that even the bravest would puke on.

It’s all a bloody cosmic soap opera. So brace yourselves, buy a helmet, and for the love of all that’s holy, stock up on booze or chocolate or whatever gets you through the shitstorm. Ragey McSwearington, signing the fuck off.