Oh, look what the hell we’ve got here, another glorious day for you to probably screw things up. It’s the 27th of June, 2023, and by the looks of it, you’re in for a tumultuous time, you lucky sons of bitches.

Let’s start with the Sun, that self-righteous, glowing bastard hanging out in Cancer, all chummy with Mercury. Yeah, that’s right. Your ego and your communication are about to enter a three-legged race of stupid decisions. Expect to find yourself spouting off more bull than usual and other people just eating it up.

And then there’s Mars and Venus, the celestial Romeo and Juliet, huddling up in Leo. You might find yourself more attracted to drama and self-indulgence, you narcissistic peacocks. Just remember, too much of a good thing can make you sick, especially if it’s your own reflection you’re ogling at.

As for Jupiter in Taurus, that lazy, overindulgent hippo is gonna make you feel all relaxed and content. Don’t get too comfortable though, because Saturn is over there in Pisces being as encouraging as a wet blanket. Expect to be presented with challenges you don’t want but definitely need, you pampered slackers.

Pluto’s decided to pull a damn U-turn in Capricorn, like a drunk driver realizing they left their wallet at the bar. You might feel a sudden urge to confront and resolve deep-rooted issues, whether you’re ready to face them or not. It’s like opening a closet you haven’t cleaned in years, and finding a nest of emotional spiders. Good luck with that.

Neptune, that head-in-the-clouds dreamer, is also in Pisces, adding a dollop of delusion to this shit sundae of a day. Expect to have your head filled with fantasies and illusions, but remember, reality is still a thing. Don’t go chasing waterfalls, unless you’re damn sure you can swim.

Finally, that rebellious teenager Uranus is throwing a temper tantrum in Taurus. Expect unexpected changes and sudden realizations. You might step on a rake and get a face full of wooden reality, or you might just trip over your own feet and discover a bag of gold. Either way, it’s going to be one hell of a surprise.

So, buckle up, you absolute disasters. This day is set to be as smooth as a gravel road, and twice as uncomfortable. Just remember, whatever the stars have planned, it’s probably your own fault anyway.

And remember, this is Ragey McSwearington, the only astrologer who tells it like it is. Until next time, good luck. You’re gonna need it.