Well, well, well, look who decided to show up on this blessed day of June 26, 2023. This is Ragey McSwearington, your foul-mouthed, venom-spewing star guide, here to slap you upside the head with some celestial insights. Now, listen the fuck up.

See that goddamn moon hanging around in Libra? It’s squaring the sun in Cancer like some moody teenager who can’t make up his mind about whether to sneak out for a night of debauchery or stay home to finish his homework. I’ll tell you what, though: if you’ve got any secret shit going down today, don’t expect to keep it under wraps for long.

Moving on to that ball of flaming gas we call the sun, this egotistical bastard is in cahoots with Mercury, spilling all your damn secrets like a fucking sieve. You’ll feel an irresistible urge to overshare, so if you value your personal life, keep your lips sealed tighter than a clam’s ass.

Venus is trying to play nice in Leo, but Mars, that flaming hot-tempered fucker, is there too, spoiling all the fun with a square to Uranus. Love life going swimmingly? Expect a curveball that’ll send your heart ricocheting into fucking orbit.

Speaking of Uranus, the fucker’s in Taurus, causing all sorts of mundane chaos. Lost your keys? Spilled coffee on your crotch? That’s Uranus giggling in the corner, that sadistic son of a bitch.

As for Jupiter, it’s lounging in Taurus, acting like some spoiled rich kid who got everything handed to him on a silver platter. Don’t fall for its sweet talk – you need to work for your damn rewards, not expect them handed to you like some charity case.

Saturn, that old stick-in-the-mud, is in Pisces and has his grumpy eyes on Jupiter. Expect old issues to resurface like a fucking herpes outbreak. Just when you thought you’ve left all that shit behind, here it comes, in all its pus-filled glory.

Pluto is hanging around in Capricorn, just lurking and waiting for the right moment to fuck shit up. This shadowy bastard isn’t one to underestimate – it’s like the mafia boss of the planetary system, silently pulling the strings. In other words, beware of power struggles and the people who wield them like a weapon.

As for Neptune in Pisces, it’s fogging up your perception like a hot shower on a cold mirror. Reality and fantasy are going to blur together, and you might find yourself lost in the haze. My advice? Don’t make any life-changing decisions in this state. You wouldn’t walk a tightrope blindfolded, would you?

Finally, let’s not forget Chiron in Aries. This wounded healer of the zodiac is a pain in the ass, dredging up old wounds and slapping a Band-Aid on them before ripping it off again. It’s a bloody cycle of hurt and heal, but remember, what doesn’t kill you… well, it just doesn’t fucking kill you.

In conclusion, you’re in for a wild ride today. So strap the fuck in, hold on tight, and for god’s sake, remember that this is all just celestial bullshit.

Yours in profanity, Ragey McSwearington.