Alright, you celestial clusterfucks, it’s Ragey McSwearington here, ready to dish out the cosmic crapstorm that is your horoscope for the 24th of June, 2023. Buckle up, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

The Sun is lounging in Cancer, the crabby little shit, making everyone as moody as a teenager who’s just been told to clean their room. Expect a lot of sulking and passive-aggressive comments. Meanwhile, Mercury is in Gemini, making everyone as two-faced as a politician during election season. Don’t trust anything anyone says today.

Venus and Mars are having a little rendezvous in Leo, the drama queen of the zodiac. Expect a lot of grand gestures and over-the-top declarations of love. It’s like watching a bloody Shakespeare play.

Jupiter is chilling in Taurus, making everyone as stubborn as a mule. Don’t expect anyone to change their mind about anything today, no matter how much you argue. Saturn is in Pisces, making everyone as sensitive as a raw nerve. Expect a lot of tears and emotional meltdowns.

Uranus is in Taurus, shaking things up and causing chaos wherever it goes. Expect the unexpected today, and not in a good way. Neptune is in Pisces, making everyone as delusional as a conspiracy theorist. Don’t believe everything you hear.

Pluto is in Capricorn, making everyone as ambitious as a Wall Street banker. Expect a lot of backstabbing and power plays. And finally, the Moon is in Virgo, making everyone as critical as a mother-in-law. Expect a lot of nitpicking and criticism.

In short, today is going to be as pleasant as a root canal without anesthesia. But hey, at least it’s not Monday, right?

This has been your horoscope with Ragey McSwearington. Remember, the stars don’t give a shit about you, so why should you give a shit about them?