Alright, listen up, you celestial cattle! It’s your favorite foul-mouthed seer, Ragey McSwearington, here to give you the rundown on this godforsaken day, May 31, 2023.

The Sun’s squaring Saturn today, so expect a day filled with more frustrations than a one-armed man in a clapping contest. Every little thing’s gonna feel like a kick in the teeth, so just grit and bear it, because we’re all in this shitshow together.

Mercury’s getting cosy with Uranus, and you don’t need to be a bloody rocket scientist to know that means surprises are on the cards. You might find a tenner in your pocket, or your car might get nicked – who the hell knows?

Mars is acting the maggot, squaring off with Jupiter and the North Node. This has all the makings of a bar brawl, with tempers flaring and reckless decisions made left, right, and center. So, if you’ve got something to say, say it with your chest – it’s a day for raw honesty, no matter how ugly it gets.

Venus is off in la-la land, opposing Pluto and trining Neptune. Emotional turmoil’s on the menu, folks – you’ll either be falling head over heels for some chancer, or mooning over some movie star who wouldn’t know you from Adam. Either way, brace yourself for a heartache hurricane.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, Pluto’s spinning backward, digging up all your old bullshit. That’s right, expect old grudges and unresolved issues to pop up like a bad case of hemorrhoids.

The Moon’s got a beef with Chiron, so we’re all walking around like raw nerves. You’ll be weepy one minute, seething the next – all because some prat cut you off in traffic or your favorite takeaway joint got your order wrong. Buckle up, buttercups, today’s emotional rollercoaster is about as much fun as a root canal.

Now, onto the whole Fire, Earth, Air, and Water shenanigans. Fire’s taken a backseat today, so don’t expect any heroic deeds or grand gestures. No, today’s a day for the Earth signs to shine. It’s all about practicalities, getting your hands dirty, and dealing with the mundane crap life throws at you.

Air’s got a bit of a boost, so there’ll be plenty of chin-wagging, gossiping, and chatting shit. Just remember, loose lips sink ships – and no one likes a blabbermouth.

Water’s flowing steady, so expect to be up to your neck in feelings. You’ll be more in touch with your emotions than a lovesick teenager at a poetry slam. Don’t fight it, just let the waterworks flow.

So, there you have it – May 31, 2023, in a nutshell. It’s going to be a day filled with more ups and downs than a bloody kangaroo on a pogo stick. But hey, at least it’s Wednesday, right? The weekend’s just around the corner, and trust me, we’re all going to need a bloody drink after this.

Remember, I’m Ragey McSwearington, the only astrologer who tells it like it is, no matter how much it stings. See you in the stars, you celestial clowns.