Alright, you celestial clusterfucks, let’s dive into this mess that is the 30th of May, 2023. The universe is serving us a buffet of bullshit today, so strap in.

First up, that arrogant gas bag Jupiter is in Taurus, stubborn as a bull and square with Mars in Leo, which is basically the cosmic equivalent of a frat bro fight. You know that feeling when you’ve downed a few too many and you’re convinced you can arm wrestle a gorilla? That’s the vibe today. Overconfidence and stupid risks are on the menu, and it’s all fun and games until someone ends up with a broken arm or a tattoo they’ll regret.

Speaking of regrets, Mercury is in Taurus too, right up Uranus’ ass. Expect communication to be as unpredictable as a cat on a hot tin roof. Shit might come out of your mouth that you didn’t even know you were thinking. Keep a lid on it if you can, or you’ll be dealing with the fallout for weeks.

Over in the land of crabs, Venus is doing her sweet and sexy thing in Cancer, but she’s got Pluto in Aquarius glaring at her from across the room. There’s a tension there that could snap tighter than a banjo string, leading to power struggles and emotional manipulation. So yeah, good luck with your love life today.

And let’s not forget Saturn, the cosmic killjoy, chilling in Pisces and squaring off with the Sun in Gemini. That’s like having your mom follow you around all day, nagging you about every little thing. We’re all gonna feel like we’re carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. Add that to the fact that Pluto is retrograde and we’re all screwed. It’s like we’re trying to move forward, but the universe put banana peels under our feet. Expect delays, setbacks, and probably a few faceplants.

The Moon’s in Libra, trying her best to keep things balanced, but with all this chaos, it’s like she’s juggling knives on a unicycle. Don’t expect much peace and harmony today.

Overall, today is a flaming dumpster fire of cosmic energy. If you can, stay in bed, pull the covers over your head, and pray for a better tomorrow. Ragey McSwearington, signing off.