Listen up, you pathetic bunch of losers! Ragey McSwearington here to give you another steaming pile of celestial shit that’s your horoscope for today. Monday, 29th of May, 2023. I had a godawful weekend, so don’t expect any sugar-coating on this extra salty motherfucker of a horoscope.
The Moon’s squaring off with Mercury today, which makes everyone around you sound like an annoying mosquito buzzing in your ear. Good luck trying to focus on any meaningful conversation without wanting to slap someone across the face.
The Sun’s in Gemini, making a hard square with Saturn. You’ll feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending loop of mundane bullshit. Every task will seem like a Herculean effort, and you might just want to stay in bed and tell the world to fuck off.
Venus and Mars are having a little tiff in the sky, throwing off the balance of love and aggression. Expect lovers’ quarrels and passive-aggressive behavior to be the flavor of the day. You might want to keep a low profile, or you’ll find yourself in the middle of a fight you didn’t start but can’t resist finishing.
Jupiter and Pluto are going at it too, with a tense square aspect. It’s like the universe is telling you that your ambitious plans are just pipe dreams, and you should just give up and accept your miserable existence. But hey, maybe you’ll prove the universe wrong… or not.
Oh, and guess what? The little bitch Pluto is in retrograde, dragging everyone into the depths of introspection and transformation whether they like it or not. Expect a rollercoaster of emotions and one hell of an existential crisis.
In other news, Neptune and Venus are having a little love affair, which might make you feel all dreamy and romantic. But don’t get your hopes up, because it’s more likely that you’ll be daydreaming about a love that’s unattainable, leaving you feeling even more bitter and resentful.
So, what’s the takeaway from this clusterfuck of a day? Embrace the chaos, and remember that life is just one big cosmic joke. Maybe you’ll find some comfort in knowing that we’re all in this shitstorm together.
Until next time, fuckers.
Yours angrily, Ragey McSwearington