Alright, fuckers, gather around for the goddamn horoscope of the day, May 26th, 2023, brought to you by none other than Ragey McSwearington, the angriest fucking astrologer in town.

So, let’s start off with the fucking Moon squaring Uranus. Oh great, that’s just what we need, right? You’re gonna be feeling more volatile than a fucking grenade with the pin pulled out. Good fucking luck trying to keep your emotions in check today, because your fuse is shorter than a fucking gnat’s dick.

The Sun is throwing a square at Saturn, too. Congrats, you’re a masochist today! You’ll be craving some fucking obstacles to overcome, and boy, will life deliver. It’s like the universe decided to give you a big ol’ “fuck you” in the form of hardships, just for shits and giggles.

Mercury’s getting all cozy with the North Node, so expect some communication bullshit coming your way. You might as well tattoo “gossip magnet” on your fucking forehead, because people won’t shut the fuck up around you. Better start learning how to dodge those verbal landmines, champ.

Venus is sextile Uranus and square Chiron, so let’s see how your love life is gonna fuck you over today. Expect sudden surprises, both good and bad. But remember, even a fucking gold-plated turd is still a turd. So don’t get too excited about any seemingly good news.

Mars is having a fucking field day with Neptune and Pluto, making you feel like a goddamn superhero. Sure, you might feel invincible, but remember, dumbass: you’re not actually immune to pain, so maybe hold off on the crazy stunts, yeah?

Jupiter’s squaring Mars and Pluto, which is just great. Your optimism’s gonna shoot through the fucking roof, but guess what? It’s gonna make you blind to the real consequences of your actions. Good luck with that, genius.

Saturn and Pluto are both retrograde, so you’re gonna feel like you’re stuck in a cosmic clusterfuck. Get ready to reevaluate every fucking thing you’ve done in the past, and try not to go insane in the process.

There you have it, the goddamn horoscope of the day. Take it or leave it, but remember, you asked for Ragey McSwearington’s insights, so don’t come crying to me when shit hits the fan. Good fucking luck out there, and may the cosmos have mercy on your sorry ass.