Alright, gather ’round, you celestial suckers. This is Ragey McSwearington, delivering the horoscope for 25 May 2023, and damn it, the stars are in a proper pisser of a mood today.

Looks like the Sun’s in Gemini, and it’s squaring off with Saturn in Pisces. This is the celestial equivalent of a bar brawl, so don’t be surprised if you feel like you’re getting punched in the gut by life itself. You’re juggling more balls than a circus clown on speed, and Saturn, that old taskmaster, is breathing down your neck, demanding you keep ’em all in the air. And with the Sun also tripping Pluto in Aquarius, it’s like you’re dancing on a tightrope made of dental floss. Balance, my ass.

On the bright side, the Sun’s got a little help from Mars in Leo. Think of this as your cosmic Red Bull, giving you wings when you’re running on fumes. Mars is also trying to play nice with Neptune in Pisces, but don’t let that fool you. This isn’t some magical fairy dust shit; it’s more like a reality check with a side order of “get your head out of your ass.”

And speaking of asses, Pluto’s retrograde in Aquarius. This is like a cosmic colonoscopy, digging up old crap and forcing you to deal with it. You thought that issue from the past was dead and buried? Think again, sunshine. It’s back, and it’s got a bone to pick with you.

Venus is hanging out in Cancer, and it’s squaring Chiron in Aries. So your love life is probably as smooth as a cactus right now. You’re trying to spread the love, but Chiron’s acting like a thorn in your side. And with Venus sextile Uranus in Taurus, expect some unexpected shit in your relationships. Maybe your sweetheart suddenly wants to try bungee jumping, or your best friend confesses they’ve always hated your favorite band. Whatever it is, buckle up, buttercup.

Mercury’s in Taurus, and it’s squaring the Moon in Leo. This is like a cosmic game of Chinese whispers. What you say isn’t what they hear, and vice versa. So unless you want a foot in your mouth, think twice before you speak. Or, you know, just enjoy the taste of sock.

Jupiter’s in Taurus too, but it’s squaring Mars in Leo. This is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. You’re aiming for the stars, but Mars is flipping you the bird, saying, “Not today, champ.” Patience isn’t just a virtue; it’s your bloody lifeline.

In short, the stars are in a real tizzy today. But hey, life’s a bitch, and then you die, right? So strap in, stay strong, and remember: the stars can’t tell you what to do. They’re just giant balls of gas, for fuck’s sake. Laters