Alright, you celestial basket cases, listen up. Ragey McSwearington here, your guide through the cosmic shitstorm that is May 24th, 2023. Strap in, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

You see, the Sun is in Gemini, which means people are more indecisive than a squirrel in the middle of the road. You can’t decide whether to stick with your miserable job or leave for that startup that pays in company shares and craft beer. Get your shit together, people.

The Moon is lounging around in Cancer, making everyone weepy and nostalgic. Expect to shed a tear or two over old pictures, failed dreams, or that half-eaten sandwich you left in the fridge. Don’t wallow in it, for crying out loud!

Mercury is hanging out in Taurus, which means common sense will be as rare as a taxi in the rain. Seriously, don’t expect straight answers or clear decisions. It’s a good time to practice your mime skills or maybe learn smoke signals because words will be about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Venus is also in Cancer, so expect your love life to be as exciting as watching paint dry. You’ll be up to your eyeballs in sentimental slop, old movies, and comfort food. If you’re single, get ready to be the third wheel to your friends’ nauseating love fest. If you’re attached, you’ll probably be force-fed a home-cooked meal. Try not to barf.

Mars in Leo means egos are as inflated as a hot air balloon at a county fair. Everyone thinks they’re king or queen of the fucking universe. Don’t let them bulldoze over you. Stand your ground. Or better yet, get out of their way and let them crash and burn.

Jupiter’s in Taurus, which means everyone’s as stubborn as a mule. Good luck trying to change anyone’s mind. You’d have more success trying to convince a cat to take a bath.

Saturn is throwing a pity party in Pisces. Everyone’s playing the victim card. You’ll be tripping over sob stories and hard-luck tales. Keep your sympathy in check, or you’ll be drained faster than a bathtub with a plug pulled.

Uranus is in Taurus, which means change is as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. People are clinging to their comfort zones like a koala to a tree. Don’t rock the boat or you’ll find yourself swimming with the sharks.

Neptune is also in Pisces, so reality is as clear as mud. Everyone’s living in a dream world. You might as well join them because trying to bring them back to reality is like herding cats.

Pluto, the bad boy of the zodiac, is going retrograde in Aquarius. Expect power struggles and control issues to come to a head. People are more wound up than a jack-in-the-box on steroids. Be careful what buttons you push, or you might find yourself on the receiving end of a volcanic eruption of pent-up frustration.

So that’s the cosmic forecast for May 24th, 2023. Remember, the stars may influence our lives, but we still have free will. Use it wisely. Or don’t. I don’t give a rat’s ass. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Ragey McSwearington, signing out.