Alright you cosmic clusterfucks, it’s your favourite astrological malcontent, Ragey McSwearington here, ready to dish out the celestial smackdown for this shitshow we call life on the 22nd of May, 2023. Now listen up, ’cause the universe has got a few punches to throw and we’re all in the goddamn ring.

Your Sun is lounging around in Gemini and the Moon’s found a comfy spot in Cancer, which means you’re all feeling a bit of a dual personality crisis. Half of you wants to chat about every damn thing under the sun and the other half just wants to hide under the covers and eat comfort food. Look, I get it. Life’s a bitch and then you die. But you’ve got to pull it together, champ.

Now, your Mercury’s in Taurus, which might mean you’re thinking a bit more practically, but let’s face it, most of you can’t find your asses with both hands and a map. And Jupiter’s over there in Taurus too, so maybe there’s some luck in the mix. Or maybe you’ll just step in a pile of dog shit. Who knows?

And oh boy, Mars is in Leo, so everyone’s prancing around like they’re the king of the goddamn jungle. But remember, even kings get their asses handed to them, so don’t get too cocky.

Pluto’s doing the backwards cha-cha in Aquarius, so all your deep, transformative crap is coming back to haunt you. Great. Just what we need. More baggage.

Now, the main event here is the grand square formed by Mars, Jupiter, and Pluto, with the nodes thrown in for good measure. This is a cosmic bitchslap if I’ve ever seen one. Everyone’s going to be on edge, at odds with themselves, and generally feeling like they’ve been chewed up and spit out by the universe. So, you know, just another day in paradise.

But hey, at least there’s a trine between the Moon and Saturn. Maybe we’ll all feel a little bit more grounded, a little bit more secure. Or maybe we’ll just feel like we’re sinking in quicksand. Who the hell knows?

So there you have it, you celestial screw-ups. Another day, another cosmic beatdown. Remember, the stars can’t make you do shit. You’re the one who has to pull up your pants and deal with the hand you’re dealt. So go out there and show the universe who’s boss. Or don’t. I don’t really give a fuck.

Yours in fury, Ragey McSwearington