Oi, you celestial desperados! Ragey McSwearington here, poised to deliver the astrological smackdown for 20th May, 2023. Strap in, ’cause the universe is about to take a wild swing at us all, with all the grace of a drunken octopus!

First off, we got the Moon in Gemini, a right bloody chatterbox. This might make your day feel like a never-ending episode of Jerry Springer. Keep your cool or you might find yourself in the middle of a verbal brawl, where the only winner is the bloke with the fastest insult.

Then there’s the Sun in Taurus, a stubborn ol’ bull. You’re gonna be clinging to your comfort zones today like a koala to a eucalyptus tree. But brace yourselves, ’cause Mars in Cancer is waiting in the wings, ready to kick you right out of your comfy little nests.

Meanwhile, Mercury’s in Taurus, sitting pretty with Jupiter. You might find yourself spinning tall tales at the pub tonight. But watch it, pal. Saturn in Pisces is lurking, waiting to burst your bubble with a reality check. Keep your lies interesting, or Saturn’ll make you pay for your bullshit.

Venus is hanging out in Cancer, turning us all into a bunch of soppy, sentimental fools. You might find yourself crying at a car insurance commercial or declaring undying love to your barista. Just remember, that extra shot of espresso doesn’t mean they’re into you, mate.

Hold onto your knickers, ’cause Uranus is in Taurus, messing with our routines like a toddler with a smartphone. You might find yourself trying a new breakfast cereal or, god forbid, going for a morning jog.

Pluto’s going retrograde in Aquarius, which means all bets are off. This celestial troublemaker is about to stir up some old shit. That ex you haven’t thought about in years? They’re about to slide into your DMs like a greased weasel.

Finally, Neptune’s chilling in Pisces, adding a dash of daydream to the mix. You might find yourself drifting off in the middle of a meeting or imagining you’re a pirate king while doing the laundry.

In short, today’s a cosmic clusterf*ck of emotion, surprise, and nostalgia. Keep your wits about you and try to enjoy the ride. And remember: the stars can’t tell you what to do. Only I, Ragey McSwearington, can do that. And what I’m telling you is to grab a pint, put your feet up, and brace for impact, ’cause it’s gonna be a wild day.

Cheers, you celestial misfits. Until next time