Alright, ya bloody scoundrels, here’s the bloody lowdown for today, 17th May 2023. Buckle up and don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Today, the bloody Moon’s in Aries and the Sun’s in Taurus, a right royal mess if I ever saw one. We’re dealing with hotheads and stubborn bastards all over the place. It’s like a bloody bull in a china shop, charging around, knocking over teacups, and pissing everyone off.

Mercury’s in Taurus, which means everybody’s talking slow and thinking even slower. If you’re waiting for a witty comeback, you’ll be waiting until the cows come home. Venus is in Cancer, so everyone’s acting like a bloody mother hen, fussing over nothing and crying at the drop of a hat.

Mars in Cancer, though, now that’s a bloody time bomb. People are brooding, holding grudges, and acting like passive-aggressive little shits. Don’t expect a fair fight, just a lot of underhanded tactics and dirty tricks.

Jupiter’s in Taurus and bloody Saturn is in Pisces. It’s a mix of greedy materialism and dreams so vague you can’t bloody grasp them. It’s like trying to hold onto a bloody eel, all slippery and sliding out of your grip.

Uranus is in Taurus, so expect some unexpected changes around money and possessions. And Neptune in Pisces, well, everyone’s got their head in the bloody clouds. Don’t expect anyone to be grounded in reality today.

Pluto is retrograde in Aquarius, a bloody rebellious force under the surface. There’s a power struggle brewing, and it’s all about bloody societal reform. It’s like a swarm of angry bees, buzzing and threatening to sting.

And the bloody North Node in Taurus? We’re all being pushed towards bloody stability and security, even if it feels like we’re walking through a minefield.

And if that wasn’t bloody enough, the Moon is balsamic, or as I like to call it, “on its bloody last legs.” Expect the unexpected and brace for bloody impact.

So there you have it, the bloody state of the cosmos for today. Remember, don’t shoot the messenger. Or do, I don’t give a rat’s arse.

Yours in frustration, Ragey McSwearington