Right, listen up you celestial clusterfucks, it’s time for Ragey McSwearington’s daily horoscope for May 16, 2023. You’re in for a cosmic shitstorm, so buckle the fuck up.

The Sun’s hanging out in Taurus, sitting there like a lazy fuck, stubbornly refusing to budge. The result? Everyone’s digging their heels in like a bunch of obstinate toddlers refusing to eat their peas. You’ll have to navigate this unmovable force with the finesse of a bull in a china shop. And good fucking luck with that.

Meanwhile, Mercury’s in Taurus too, which means everyone’s words are as hard and heavy as a hammer to the skull. Expect stubborn conversations, where changing someone’s mind is about as easy as explaining quantum mechanics to a potato.

Now, the Moon’s in Aries, as fiery and explosive as a gas leak in a fireworks factory. People’s emotions are as predictable as a cat on catnip. So watch out for emotional eruptions that make Mount Vesuvius look like a fucking molehill.

Venus in Cancer’s making everyone as clingy as a wet napkin. Expect folks to stick to you like bubblegum on a boot heel. And Mars in Cancer’s not helping, adding a pinch of passive-aggressive behavior to the mix. Just what you fucking needed, right?

Jupiter’s in Aries, expanding everyone’s ego to the size of a hot air balloon. The world’s full of self-proclaimed fucking geniuses who couldn’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground. And Saturn’s in Pisces, reminding everyone about the hard reality like a slap to the face. Expect a sobering realization or two, like finding out Santa isn’t real. Again.

We’ve also got Uranus in Taurus, shaking things up like a martini at happy hour. Expect the unexpected. Like stepping on a Lego in the middle of the night or realizing your favorite show’s been cancelled.

Neptune in Pisces is casting a foggy illusion over everything, making it harder to see shit clearly. It’s like trying to read the fine print after a bottle of whisky. And finally, Pluto’s gone retrograde in Aquarius, so expect some old shit to resurface, like that regrettable tattoo or your ex on Facebook.

In summary, today’s a cosmic clusterfuck. Navigate this shitshow with caution, a sense of humor, and possibly a stiff drink. Good fucking luck.

Remember, this is Ragey McSwearington signing off, reminding you that the stars might be a bunch of gas-filled twats, but they don’t control your fate. You do. Now get out there and kick some ass.