Hello, you cosmic catastrophes. Ragey McSwearington here, ready to serve you another slice of the celestial shit pie that is the 15th of May, 2023.

Alright, listen up. The planets are having a goddamn field day and it’s going to affect all of us. The Moon and Venus are squaring off like two pissed-off alley cats. That means your emotions and desires are going to be as mismatched as a vegan in a steakhouse. You might be craving that sweet, passionate love, but all you’re getting is the emotional equivalent of a cold shower.

Sun and Uranus are playing kissy-face, which means surprises are coming. And not the good kind, like finding a tenner in your pocket. No, think more like stepping in dog shit. Your comfort zone? Forget about it. The universe is about to give you a cosmic wedgie.

Meanwhile, Mars is throwing tantrums left, right, and center. It’s squaring off with Jupiter, which is going to feel like you’re trying to drive with the handbrake on. Every step forward is going to feel like a Herculean effort. But remember, it’s the struggles that make us who we are, not the easy wins.

Oh, and let’s not forget our old pal Pluto, going retrograde and acting like a goddamn drama queen. Expect power struggles, upheavals, and a few home truths that’ll hit harder than a shot of whiskey on an empty stomach.

And if that wasn’t enough, Saturn and Mercury are cozying up. Normally, this would be a good thing, encouraging discipline and structure in your thinking. But with everything else going on, it’s like trying to organize a piss up in a brewery. Good fucking luck.

But here’s the thing. It’s not all doom and gloom. Mars and Neptune are making nice, which means there’s a glimmer of hope in this celestial clusterfuck. Inspiration and action can go hand in hand if you let them. Maybe you’ll finally start that project you’ve been putting off or make a move on that person who’s been driving you wild.

Remember, we’re all in this cosmic shitshow together. The stars might be throwing curveballs, but you’re not a puppet on some celestial string. You’re the master of your own destiny. So, buckle up, brace for impact, and remember: the universe doesn’t give a fuck about your plans.

Ragey McSwearington, signing off.