Alright, sit down and listen up, you celestial sods! It’s your bloody Angry Astrologer, Ragey McSwearington, here to give you the lowdown on what the bloody hell is happening up in the sky on this piss-poor day of 12 May 2023.

Let’s start with the damn sun and moon. They’re having a right old barney, squaring off like two drunks in a pub at closing time. This ain’t a cosy family reunion; it’s more like a row at Christmas dinner. Expect emotional flare-ups and some egotistical grandstanding. People will be more prickly than a cactus in a thistle patch. So keep your head down, avoid the drama, and for the love of whatever deity you believe in, don’t start any arguments.

Then there’s that retrograde Mercury, mucking things up like a toddler with a paintbrush. Communication? More like bloody miscommunication. Emails will go astray, texts will autocorrect to the most embarrassing possible thing, and don’t even think about signing contracts or making big decisions. It’s like trying to navigate through London in the Blitz, except instead of bombs, it’s a barrage of misinformation and misunderstandings.

Venus and Saturn are having a cosy little tea party in the corner, which might be good for your love life or finances. But knowing your luck, it’s probably just gonna make you crave cake and expensive shit you can’t afford. Watch your wallet and your waistline.

Mars is tripping over Neptune like a clumsy ox, making this a great day for daydreaming about heroic deeds and grand adventures. Unfortunately, it’s a crap day for actually achieving anything. Expect a lot of grand plans and lofty ideals, with bugger all to show for it at the end of the day.

And let’s not forget that the bloody moon is squaring off with Uranus, stirring up the emotional pot like a vindictive aunt at a family reunion. Expect surprises, and not the good kind. More like “surprise, your car won’t start” or “surprise, your ex texted you.”

So there you have it, your celestial shitstorm for the day. Best of luck, you’re gonna need it. Remember, I’m Ragey McSwearington, your angry, belligerent astrologer, and I’ll be back tomorrow to guide you through another day of astrological anarchy.