Oi, you cosmic cockwombles! This is your fuming oracle Ragey McSwearington, here with your godforsaken stargazing report for the 11th of May, 2023. Buckle up, it’s gonna be a shitstorm.

Listen up, you beautiful disasters. The sun’s chilling with Uranus in Taurus, right? Well, that’s like your chilled-out mate suddenly becoming best pals with that unpredictable git from down the pub. You’re gonna find unexpected shit popping up left and right, and it’s gonna make you feel as unsteady as a three-legged cat in a dog park.

Then we got Mercury, that sly little fucker, going retrograde in Taurus. It’s like that gobby co-worker who’s always causing drama – you know, the one who’d start a fight in an empty room. They’ve gone quiet all of a sudden, and it’s making everyone nervous. Expect miscommunications and technical fuck-ups, and if your phone starts acting the maggot, well, you know who to blame.

Venus is in Cancer, which should be all warm and cosy, right? Wrong. It’s squaring off with Uranus, causing tension and upset in your relationships. It’s like when your nan gets a bit too much sherry in her and starts airing everyone’s dirty laundry at the family do. Get ready for drama, and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Meanwhile, Mars is up in Cancer, thinking he’s the big man. Only trouble is, he’s squaring off against Jupiter in Aries, and that’s like a pub fight waiting to happen. Tempers will flare, egos will bruise, and you’ll need to watch your mouth unless you want a taste of your own foot.

Then there’s Saturn, that old bastard, sitting all smug in Pisces. It’s like your grumpy old grandad, sitting in his armchair and criticizing everything you do. Expect restrictions, delays, and a general sense of feeling like you’re wading through treacle.

Pluto’s gone retrograde in Aquarius, and it’s throwing more curveballs than a drunk cricket player. It’s stirring up deep, transformative shit in your life, like that time your mate Dave decided to quit his job and start a llama farm.

So, in a nutshell, you’re in for a right old cosmic kerfuffle. There’ll be more tension than a guitar string and more drama than a season finale. But remember, no matter how much the universe throws at you, you’re tougher than a two-dollar steak.

Ragey McSwearington, signing off. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.