Dear miserable meat sacks of the cosmos, welcome to your fucking reality check, dated for May 9th, 2023. My name’s Ragey McSwearington, your underpaid and overworked astrological guide. Buckle up, it’s about to get bumpy.

Let’s cut to the chase: the celestial bodies are moving in ways that make a drunken sailor look like a ballet dancer. We’ve got a Disseminating Moon in Capricorn, basically meaning we’re all caught in the crosshairs of a cosmic hangover. Feeling drained? A bit like a chewed up dog toy? Yeah, you can thank the goddamn Moon for that.

The Sun’s cosying up to Uranus in Taurus, stubborn bastards both of them. They’re going to bring out the bull-headedness in all of us, but remember, being a stubborn ass doesn’t make you right, it just makes you hard to be around.

Mercury’s in retrograde in Taurus, which means communication is about as easy as nailing Jell-O to a tree. Expect misunderstandings, lost emails, and the irresistible urge to put your foot in your mouth.

Venus is in Cancer, so we’re all feeling a bit clingy. It’s like that ex who won’t stop calling at 3 am, emotional and messy. Love’s a battlefield, and right now, it looks like World War III out there.

But don’t get too comfortable in your pity parties, because Mars is in Cancer, stirring the pot. It’s a bit like having a rabid pitbull in a china shop, so expect emotional outbursts and passive-aggressive potshots to be the order of the day.

Oh, and let’s not forget Jupiter in Aries, inflating egos like overfilled party balloons. It’s all fun and games until someone pops and ruins the carpet.

Saturn is in Pisces, playing the cosmic wet blanket. It’s a time for lessons and learning, but who the hell wants to do homework when we’re all busy dodging emotional shrapnel?

Neptune’s in its home sign of Pisces, which sounds lovely until you realise it’s like being caught in a monsoon of confusion. Hold onto your sanity, it’s going to be a hell of a ride.

And Pluto? That little planet of transformation is in retrograde in Aquarius. Expect some old issues to rise up like zombies from a cheap horror flick. Deal with your shit, people, or it’ll deal with you.

In short, the cosmos is in chaos, life’s a bitch, and then you die. But hey, we’re all in this shitshow together. So raise a glass, flip off the sky, and remember: no one gets out alive.

This has been your truth bomb for May 9th, 2023, brought to you by the ever-irate Ragey McSwearington. Have a hell of a day.