Alright you celestial shit-slingers, it’s your favourite galactic gobshite Ragey McSwearington here with your bloody horoscope for the 8th of May 2023. Now strap in, ‘cos it’s going to be one hell of a ride.

So first off, we’ve got the bloody sun cozying up to Uranus in Taurus, like a nosy neighbour that won’t stop peeking over your fence. Expect some unexpected revelations, perhaps a secret uncovered or a sudden change in your routine. And it ain’t necessarily bad – like finding out the annoying bloke at work is finally getting the sack.

Now, Mercury is in a bloody retrograde in Taurus. That means, communication is about as reliable as a chocolate teapot. So if you’re planning on having deep, meaningful conversations or signing important contracts, I’d say hold your bloody horses. If you don’t, you’ll be mired in more misunderstandings than a tourist in a Glaswegian pub.

Venus is gallivanting in Cancer, but don’t let that fool you into thinking it’s all going to be lovey-dovey. It’s opposing the moon in Sagittarius and having a bit of a spat with Neptune. Now, this doesn’t mean your love life is going to implode, but it might feel like you’re playing a game of Cluedo blindfolded. You might have to deal with some insecurities surfacing, maybe you’ll feel like your partner’s as emotionally available as a brick wall. Remember, it’s just a phase, not a bloody life sentence.

Now Mars, that belligerent bastard, is in Cancer too. And he’s not too chuffed about it. He’s squaring off with Jupiter and opposing Pluto. You might feel like your ambitions and desires are getting as throttled as a bottleneck at a Black Friday sale. Stay patient and keep your chin up, it’s not a permanent stall, just a bloody annoying delay.

But it ain’t all doom and gloom. Jupiter’s hanging out in Aries and forming a nice little trine with the Moon. This means, amidst all the chaos, there’s going to be some opportunities for growth, some bloody silver lining to the storm cloud. Keep an eye out for these, ‘cos they’ll be as obvious as a fart in a lift.

Saturn’s in Pisces, making some sweet sweet music with Venus and Mercury. This tells me that while there’s a lot of turmoil, there’s also room for some stability, some grounding. Like a sturdy pint after a shit day, it’ll help you keep your balance.

Now, to top it all off, we have a bloody full moon in Sagittarius. This means emotions will be running higher than a squirrel on speed. You might feel a bit more impulsive, a bit more “sod it, let’s do it”. But remember, even if it feels like a good idea at the time, running naked through a police station is generally frowned upon.

So there you have it, your bloody horoscope for the 8th of May 2023. Remember, it’s all in the stars, but it’s also all in how you bloody deal with it. So keep your head high, your spirits higher and your expectations lower than a limbo stick at a contortionist convention. And remember, no matter how much the planets are pissing you off, you can always tell ’em to sod off.

Stay angry