Sunday, 7th May 2023, oh you sons of comets, here’s your bloody horoscope. Brace your arses!

First off, let me just get this out of the way: Mercury is retrograde. You heard me right, that little bugger is moonwalking through the cosmos again! In layman’s terms, communication will be as messy as a seagull in a chip shop, and you’ll be stepping on each other’s toes more often than a piss-drunk dancer in a ballroom.

Now, the Sun’s cozying up with Uranus today, and not in a good way. It’s like a flaming hot potato in your lap, and you’re the poor sod left holding it. Expect unexpected situations to spring up faster than a jack-in-the-box on steroids. You’ll be juggling life’s curveballs like a bloody circus clown.

Then there’s Venus. That lovely lass is in Gemini, making a sextile with Jupiter, which would usually mean social butterflies are fluttering around spreading joy. But no! With Saturn involved, it’s more like social mothballs, stinking up the place with awkwardness. Your attempts at charm will go over about as well as a fart in an elevator.

Mars is in Cancer, and it’s squaring off against Jupiter in Aries. What does this mean? It’s like putting a bull in a china shop. There’s going to be conflict, and someone’s precious little feelings are bound to get hurt. Better strap on your emotional crash helmets, folks.

And don’t get me started on Pluto retrograde. That sneaky bastard is stirring up past issues like a shit-stirrer in a cesspool. Expect old drama to resurface, bringing with it a heavy dose of nostalgia and a pinch of regret.

The Moon’s in Sagittarius, squaring Saturn in Pisces. Emotional understanding will be as elusive as a unicorn in a game of hide-and-seek. You’ll find it harder to read people than a book written in hieroglyphics.

To sum it up, this day is going to be as chaotic as a cat in a dog park. But remember, you can’t control the planets, but you can control how you react. So buckle up, buttercups, and take this cosmic rollercoaster ride like the stellar badasses you are!

This is Ragey McSwearington, wishing you all a bloody ‘delightful’ day.