May 6th, 2023 – Ragey McSwearington’s Astrological Shitshow

Listen up, you horoscope junkies! It’s a bloody madhouse up there today, a celestial clusterfuck if you will, and you need to know what’s going on.

First off, we got the Sun and Uranus cuddled up in Taurus like a pair of stubborn old goats. You know what that means? Expect a whole lot of resistance to any kind of change. Everyone’s digging their heels in, refusing to budge an inch. The office politics are gonna be a fucking minefield today.

And speaking of stubbornness, Mercury’s also in Taurus, but it’s in retrograde. That’s astro-speak for “prepare for a shitstorm of miscommunication.” Your texts will autocorrect to the most embarrassing thing possible, your emails will mysteriously end up in the boss’s spam folder, and don’t even get me started on what this means for Tinder conversations.

Meanwhile, Venus is in Gemini, which normally would make for some fun flirty times, but there’s a square with Neptune. So, watch out for that sweet-talking Casanova at the bar tonight, ’cause chances are he’s full of more shit than a Christmas goose. Be on your guard for any too-good-to-be-true promises.

Mars is in Cancer, the celestial equivalent of a grumpy bulldog, so emotions are high and tempers are short. Expect a lot of passive-aggressive comments from Karen in accounting, and maybe a fistfight or two in the parking lot after happy hour.

Jupiter’s in Aries, which could mean good luck, but it’s squaring both Mars and Pluto. That’s like trying to win the lottery while being chased by a bear and a swarm of bees. So, good luck with that.

Saturn’s in Pisces, making everyone a bit more sensitive and introspective. This might be a good time to question your life choices, like why you’re reading a horoscope written by an angry, swearing astrologer.

Finally, Pluto’s in Aquarius and in retrograde. Expect some deep-seated issues to come to the surface, like that time you accidentally called your 4th-grade teacher “Mom.” It’s okay, we’ve all been there.

So buckle up, it’s going to be a wild ride. And remember, if you don’t like the forecast, you can go consult your magic 8-ball or something. This is Ragey McSwearington, signing off.