Today, on the 5th of May, 2023, it’s Ragey McSwearington here, your favorite foul-mouthed astrologer. Let’s cut the crap and dive headfirst into the celestial clusterfuck that the Universe has prepared for you today, shall we?

First off, the Sun and Moon are in bloody opposition. This is like a celestial divorce proceeding, except there’s no alimony, just a bucket-load of tension. It’s like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, or in this case, a solar and lunar one. You’ll feel like a child in a tug-of-war between two stubborn parents. Balance is the name of the game here. Just don’t lose your head in the process.

Mercury is doing the cha-cha in reverse, the cheeky little git. This retrograde action means communication is about to take a nosedive straight into the crapper. Remember your old Aunt Bessie’s dodgy WiFi? Yeah, it’s like that, but with words. Misunderstandings, delays, tech glitches – the works. So, double-check your emails and texts before hitting send, unless you want to explain why you called your boss a ‘lovable thunder-wombat’.

Venus is square Neptune, the celestial equivalent of a blind date gone wrong. One’s all about love and beauty, the other’s about dreams and illusions. Mix them together and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a romantic disaster. Avoid making major love decisions unless you fancy a helping of heartbreak with a side of disillusionment.

Mars is in Cancer and trust me, it’s as uncomfortable as a hedgehog in a condom factory. Mars wants to charge ahead, and Cancer wants to retreat and hide in its shell. It’s like trying to motivate a teenager to clean their room – good bloody luck. Expect frustrations and bottled-up anger. My advice? Go punch a pillow, or better yet, join a kickboxing class.

Saturn is in Pisces, the old man of the zodiac in the sign of dreams and spirituality. It’s a bit like having a stern headmaster in a hippie commune. Expect some serious reality checks as you’re forced to confront the illusions you’ve been harboring. It’s a bit like waking up to find out that Santa isn’t real, all over again.

Jupiter is in Aries, so expect some inflated egos around. It’s like every bloody person you meet has just downed a confidence smoothie. This can lead to some grand ambitions, but remember: even Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Pluto is also in retrograde, that dark and distant cluster of cosmic crap. It’s like the universe’s sewage system backing up. All the deep, dark stuff you’d rather ignore? Yeah, that’s coming up for a visit. So prepare for some serious emotional drain unblocking.

So there you have it. It’s a proper celestial maelstrom out there. But hey, you’ve dealt with worse, right? So strap in, buckle up, and keep your wits about you. And remember, no matter what the stars say, you’re still the captain of your own damn ship.

This is Ragey McSwearington, signing off. Stay feisty, you celestial warriors.