Bloody ‘ell, it’s Ragey McSwearington here with your damn horoscope for May 4, 2023. Brace yourselves, ‘cos things are about to get bloody interesting.

The bloody Sun’s sitting in Taurus, all comfy and smug, like a rich bloke on his oversized leather couch. Mercury’s there too, but it’s in bloody retrograde. That’s right, the cheeky bastard’s moving backwards. So, expect things to go arse over tit in communication, tech, travel – the usual Mercury retrograde bollocks. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Now, the Moon’s in Libra, trying to keep everything nice and balanced, like a tightrope walker with a stick up his arse. But Jupiter in Aries is opposing it, causing a bit of a stir. You might feel like you’re being pulled in two bloody different directions. One side’s all about peace and harmony, and the other’s urging you to charge headfirst into shit. Fun times, eh?

Venus is hanging out in Gemini, turning on the charm. Expect some flirtatious vibes coming your way, or maybe you’ll be the one spinning the yarns. But don’t get too bloody carried away, ‘cos Neptune in Pisces is squaring Venus. That means there’s a risk of deceit and illusion in relationships. People might seem more interesting or attractive than they really are, the two-faced sods. So, keep your bloody wits about you.

Mars in Cancer is all emotional and touchy-feely. It’s a good time for some emotional spring cleaning, but don’t turn into a drama queen. And watch out for Uranus in Taurus – that unpredictable git could throw a spanner in the works when you least expect it.

Pluto’s gone retrograde in Aquarius, stirring up all sorts of deep, transformational shit. But remember, sometimes you need to dig up the dirt to plant new seeds.

Overall, it’s a bit of a cosmic shitshow with all these competing energies. But remember, you’re the one in the bloody driver’s seat. Use these celestial vibes to navigate the chaos, or tell ’em to sod off and do your own thing. You’ve got this, mate.

Stay angry, stay strong, and bloody well conquer your day. Ragey McSwearington, signing off.