Alright, you bloody lot, sit down and shut up, because I’m about to hit you with some celestial truth bombs. This is for May 3, 2023, so if you’re reading this from some other date, you’re out of luck.

First things first, the Sun and Mercury are in Taurus, and Mercury’s gone bloody retrograde. This isn’t a walk in the park, folks. It’s more like trying to navigate through a shitstorm without an umbrella. Communication’s going to be as clear as mud, so don’t expect people to get what you’re saying, and don’t expect to understand them either. It’s a cosmic clusterfuck of misunderstandings.

But wait, there’s more! Mars is lounging about in Cancer, and it’s squaring off with the Moon in Libra. Picture a brawl in a library – that’s the kind of energy we’re dealing with here. You’re feeling aggressive, but you’re also feeling diplomatic. It’s like trying to start a fight while apologizing for it.

Then we’ve got Venus in Gemini, adding more confusion to this cosmic soup. Venus in Gemini is like that flirty person at the party who can’t decide who they’re interested in. It’s all very charming and exciting, but ultimately, it’s as shallow as a puddle. Don’t get too attached to anything or anyone during this time, folks.

Jupiter is strutting around in Aries, giving everyone a dose of overconfidence. Now, confidence is good, but too much of it can make you look like a right knob. So try to keep your ego in check before you make a fool of yourself.

Saturn in Pisces is adding a dose of reality to this mess, but it’s not exactly helping. It’s like your dad showing up at your wild party and turning off the music. He means well, but he’s just killing the vibe.

Uranus is hanging out in Taurus, right next to the Sun and Mercury, but he’s not retrograde. Thank God for small mercies, right? Uranus in Taurus is a bit like a bull in a china shop – things are getting shaken up, and not necessarily in a good way.

Neptune is in Pisces, making things even more confusing. It’s like trying to navigate through a fog with a broken compass. You’re not sure where you’re going, and you’re not sure if you even want to go there.

Pluto’s gone retrograde in Aquarius, which is about as fun as it sounds. It’s like the universe is making you replay all your past mistakes in HD.

And finally, the North Node is in Taurus, along with the Sun, Mercury, and Uranus. It’s a regular planetary party over there, and you’re all invited, whether you like it or not.

So there you have it. A cosmic shitshow, and we’re all stuck in the middle of it. My advice? Keep your head down, don’t make any big decisions, and for the love of all things holy, don’t start any arguments. You’ll just end up looking like a prat.

This has been Ragey McSwearington, your angry astrologer. Now bugger off.