Welcome to the bloody shitshow that is the 2nd of May, 2023. Now, you might be asking yourself, “Why should I give a toss about what Ragey McSwearington has to say?” Well, let me tell you, it’s because the universe is about as stable as a three-legged table right now, and you need all the help you can get.

First off, Mercury’s gone retrograde, which in layman’s terms means it’s about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. Expect communications to go tits up, and anything involving technology to be as reliable as a politician’s promise. So don’t be surprised if your email ends up in your boss’s junk folder or your phone decides to update in the middle of an important call.

The bloody Sun is chilling with Uranus in Taurus, which is as comfortable as a hedgehog in a condom factory. Expect some unexpected surprises that’ll hit you like a sack of bricks. It could be something as simple as finding an extra fiver in your jeans pocket, or as big as your ex showing up on your doorstep, declaring their undying love. Either way, brace yourself for some change, and remember, it’s not the end of the world.

Now, let’s talk about Venus. She’s in Gemini, the chatty Kathy of the zodiac, squaring off with Neptune in Pisces. This is the astrological equivalent of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. You might be torn between following your heart or your head, and let me tell you, it’s gonna be a right cock-up if you don’t strike a balance. So take a deep breath, count to ten, and try not to make any rash decisions.

Meanwhile, Mars is in Cancer, getting all emotional and touchy-feely, trying to smooth things over. But it’s also square Chiron in Aries, so don’t be surprised if old wounds open up and you’re left feeling like a raw nerve. It’s not all doom and gloom though. Mars is sextile Uranus, which might give you the guts to finally stand up for yourself and tell that annoying coworker to shove it.

Jupiter is in Aries, conjunct the North Node. This is a good thing, like finding a pub that serves your favorite beer. It means good fortune and opportunities are heading your way, if you’re brave enough to grab them by the balls.

Pluto’s gone retrograde in Aquarius, which means it’s time for some deep, introspective soul-searching. Or, in other words, it’s time to figure out why you keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over again. It’s not fun, but hey, no one said self-improvement was easy.

So there you have it, folks. The universe is throwing a whole heap of crap our way, but that doesn’t mean we have to take it lying down. Keep your chin up, your fists clenched, and remember, tomorrow is another day.

Yours angrily,

Ragey McSwearington.