Welcome back, you cosmic shitheads, to another day of astrological insights from the angriest astrologer around, Ragey McSwearington. Today is April 14th, and if you think the stars are going to give you a break, you’re sorely fucking mistaken. Buckle up, buttercups, because this rollercoaster of cosmic crap is far from over.

The Moon is having its monthly rendezvous with Pluto, and they’re squaring off with the Sun, Jupiter, Chiron, and the North Node. In plain fucking English, this means that emotions are running high and it feels like you’re walking on eggshells. And not just regular eggshells – fucking dinosaur eggshells.

In the midst of all this astrological chaos, I’m reminded of a time when my piece of shit car broke down on the side of the highway during a torrential downpour. I was stranded, soaked to the bone, and cursing the universe for its twisted sense of humor. It was in that moment that I realized that sometimes, life just fucking sucks – but it’s up to us to make the best of it. So, I kicked off my shoes, danced in the rain, and flipped off the heavens above. Take that, universe!

But back to the matter at hand – this goddamn astrological clusterfuck. The Moon and Pluto’s cosmic dance is stirring up deep-rooted fears and insecurities like a blender on the highest setting. It’s as if every single emotional issue you’ve ever had is coming back to haunt you like a goddamn poltergeist.

Venus is still squaring Saturn, making your love life feel like a minefield. It’s not all doom and gloom, though – this is a prime opportunity to confront your fears and insecurities head-on. So, strap on your emotional armor and march into battle, knowing that you’re stronger than any cosmic bullshit the universe can throw at you.

As for the rest of the week, expect more emotional turbulence and a few unexpected curveballs, because the universe apparently hates us all. But remember, it’s up to you to make the best of this cosmic shitstorm. So, whether you choose to dance in the rain, scream at the sky, or just drown your sorrows in a stiff drink, know that you’re in control of your own destiny.

Until next time, you beautiful disasters,
Ragey McSwearington