Alright, you cosmic fuckwads, it’s Ragey McSwearington here, the angriest astrologer alive, and I’m back to spill the tea on what the universe has in store for you on April 13th. If you thought yesterday was a shitshow, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

So, the Moon is no longer opposing Mars, but it’s cozying up to Pluto like a goddamn parasite. As it does, it’s squaring the Sun, Jupiter, and Chiron. This means emotional intensity is cranked up to 11, and you might feel like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.

In the midst of all this, I had an epiphany – or maybe it was just the vodka – about how even though life can be a chaotic clusterfuck, we still have the power to control our own destinies. I was reminded of the time I went to a dive bar and got into a heated argument with a drunken patron over the best way to make a Bloody Mary. It was like a battle of the bartenders, but instead of shaking cocktails, we were shaking fists. Moral of the story: Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life, especially when it comes to mixed drinks.

But enough about me, let’s talk about this goddamn astrological shitstorm. The Moon’s square with the Sun, Jupiter, and Chiron is like a cosmic pressure cooker, making you feel like you’re trapped in a sauna with a bunch of sweaty, angry people. It’s tense, it’s uncomfortable, and you’ll probably want to punch someone in the face.

And don’t even get me started on Mercury and Uranus. These two planetary pranksters are conspiring to throw curveballs at you left and right. Communication is about as smooth as sandpaper, so don’t be surprised if your words come out all wrong and your texts get lost in translation.

Venus is still squaring Saturn, making your love life as turbulent as a roller coaster during an earthquake. Relationships will be tested, but remember, it’s better to say you’re sorry than to stubbornly dig your heels in and make shit worse.

On the bright side, Neptune is sprinkling some cosmic fairy dust on your creative side. Use this energy to turn the chaos into a fucking masterpiece. Paint a picture, write a poem, or just scream into the void until you feel better. Whatever works for you.

In conclusion, April 13th is gonna be a hot mess express, but it’s up to you to make the best of it. Embrace the chaos, fight for your right to party, and remember that you’re the captain of your own ship, even if the universe is throwing you some rough seas.

With all the love and rage I can muster, Ragey McSwearington