Listen up, you celestial stalkers, it’s your favorite fucking astrologer, Ragey McSwearington, back again to deliver the goods on April 12th, 2023. If you thought yesterday’s cosmic chaos was a wild ride, buckle up, buttercups, because today’s gonna be like driving through a goddamn asteroid field.

The Moon has moved out of its trine with the Sun and Jupiter, but it’s still clinging to its opposition with Mars like a stage five clinger. Emotional turbulence is still on the menu, so expect some heavy shit to go down. You know that feeling when you’re trying to enjoy a peaceful dinner and someone starts a food fight? Well, imagine that but in your soul.

In the midst of this cosmic madness, I had a moment of clarity – or maybe it was just the whiskey – and I realized how important it is to face the chaos head-on. Like that time I got into a brawl with a bouncer because he said I was too drunk to enter the bar. I wasn’t gonna let some meathead bouncer dictate my night, so I channeled my inner Aries and headbutted that motherfucker into submission. You gotta be the one who makes your own path in life, even if it means getting a little rough and tumble.

Anyways, back to the celestial shitshow. While the Moon’s still busy stirring up emotional drama, other planets are joining the fray as well. Mercury, the cosmic messenger, is fucking around with Uranus, bringing unexpected surprises and forcing us to adapt on the fly. It’s like trying to have a conversation with someone while a marching band stomps through your living room.

Venus and Saturn are still duking it out, so don’t expect your love life to be a walk in the park. Relationships are gonna be as difficult to navigate as a minefield in a hurricane, so tread lightly, folks. Remember, it’s better to give a sincere apology than to stubbornly double down on your mistakes.

Now, I know I’m usually all doom and gloom, but I’ve got some good news for you. Neptune is conjuring up some cosmic magic, allowing you to tap into your creative side. Use this energy to turn your chaotic life into a work of fucking art. Paint that masterpiece, write that novel, or compose that symphony. Or, you know, just binge-watch Netflix and eat ice cream. Whatever floats your boat.

In conclusion, today might be a cosmic clusterfuck, but it’s up to you to turn it into a goddamn masterpiece. Embrace the chaos, channel your inner Aries, and make the universe your bitch. And remember, folks, you’re the master of your own destiny, so don’t let the stars dictate your fate.

With a burning hatred for the cosmos,
Ragey McSwearington